The state that brought you Paul Ryan, Scott Walker and Jeffrey Dahmer is also home to Fatal Vision, creator of such actual inventions as the porn-ish Sum-It-Up Cup and the sex line-sounding Phone Condom. More recently, Fatal Vision—a name shared with a book about an army medic who murders his pregnant wife and two children—introduced the Marijuana Simulation Experience (MSE) goggles meant to imitate what it's like to be stoned. Just as MSE can also stand for "someone who lives a fantasy life on the computer and seems much cooler online than in person," the MSE goggles are lamer in person, especially with a starting cost of $975 (that includes activity balls and a grind mat, whatever that means).
The MSE glasses don't get you high, but by taking away a person's ability to see red, they "provide an experience of cognitive impairments associated with recreational marijuana use," so wrote someone who obviously never got stoned before. As ridiculously unscientific as this sounds, a local Fox News website in Indiana reported that Tim Retherford of NASA praised the goggles for how they “actually simulate the loss of some of your cognitive functions.” That's an impressive endorsement for… oh wait… NASA stands for Neighborhoods Against Substance Abuse? And they created this video? With taxpayer dollars? Never mind.
To paraphrase a famous 1915 quote by Christian anarchist Elbert Hubbard, "When life gives you lemons, make lemon haze." In this spirit, PRØHBTD came up with seven alternative uses for the MSE goggles that you can enjoy with friends ideally after you've smoked, dabbed or vaped. They are as follows:
1. Chili-Pepper Roulette
Fill a bowl with jalapenos, habaneros, aji amarillos and a few red naga peppers, better known as the ghost chili. With their sense of color inhibited by the glasses, players pick a pepper and eat it, hoping not to pick what was once considered the hottest pepper in the world. The red naga is 400 times hotter than Tabasco sauce, and whoever unknowingly picks the red pepper will be in for one hell of a hot ride. If looking for a specific strain to pair with the game, Crimson Pepper sounds like the appropriate choice.
2. Go to a Trump Rally
Rednecks, red hats and a red-faced shit-gibbon yelling about immigrants—a Trump rally is the perfect place to get all the red out of your life. You'll even be less horrified by all the Confederate flags since you'll only see the stars! Pre-game the rally with some immigration-unfriendly Panama Red.
3. Visit an art exhibit
Cool art galleries tend to be nutty enough that you could rock the goggles as a fashion choice, and you'll have an especially good time if you can find a show exhibiting colorful abstract art, a red-heavy artist like Brandi Milne or anyone who paints in the style of Jackson Pollock. And definitely check out Salvador Dalí's The Elephants if it ever comes to town. Removing all the red will make the art even more of a trip. As far as picking a strain, Zookies has been described as "a nature-inspired rendition of a Jackson Pollock painting," making the hybrid an artistic choice.
4. See a Show at Red Rocks
Red Rocks is the world's only naturally occurring, acoustically perfect amphitheatre, and its monolithic red sandstone geology gives the venue its name. Pick up a Red Dragon strain in nearby Denver, and check out a concert through the MSE goggles for a truly trippy live music experience. Upcoming cannabis-friendly concerts include Reggae on the Rocks (August 26), the Mad Decent Block Party with Major Lazer (September 3) and Incubus (October 3).
5. Play Checkers
Find a board with red and black pieces and squares, smoke some Black Cherry Soda and see just how challenging the game can be without seeing red. Or better yet, play the game once with the MSE glasses, then get stoned and play without them, and see just how different the glasses are from a true elevated experience.
6. Binge Watch Mars Movies
The great cinematic canon features countless Mars movies like Total Recall, Mars Attacks!, The Martian, Mission to Mars, Red Planet, John Carter and old school classics like 1959's The Angry Red Planet and 1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Get stoned on Mars OG, and binge watch several Mars movies through the goggles for next-level cinematic surrealism.
7. Bumper Cars!
At the end of the day, the Fatal Vision eyewear is all about impaired coordination, and impaired driving is the most serious risk… unless you're in a bumper car. Light up with Ferrari OG, strap on the glasses and bang away at all the other cars! Just beware that you might not see the red cars coming.