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7 Statues That Should Replace the Robert E. Lee Monuments

By David Jenison on August 23, 2017

Most monuments to the Confederacy went up in the early 20th century at the height of the Klu Klux Klan and the rise of Jim Crow segregation. Pair the origin of these statues with the tragedy in Charlottesville and elsewhere, and the movement to take down Confederate-themed statues is at an all-time high. This likely means that lots of pedestal space will soon open up, so PRØHBTD made a list of seven statues that would make for awesome replacements. 

The Peeing Statues

Prague sculptor David Černý famously crafted statues of two men pissing on a map of the Czech Republic. If the foundation was changed to the map of the U.S., no image would better symbolize the current state of affairs than men engaged in a pissing contest with average Americans taking the hit. 

The Monument to Happiness

If you ever find yourself in central Russia about 2,200 miles from Moscow (god help you), stop by the town of Tomsk to check out the Monument of Happiness. The 440-pound sculpture, first erected in 2005, features the overweight wolf from Russia's Once Upon a Dog cartoon. Bring this statue to America, and full-bladdered dogs will have the chance to get revenge, and if we're honest, what better epitomizes modern American culture than a fat, hairy predator? 

The Babysitter

Vigeland Sculpture Park in Oslo contains more than 200 statues by the same Norwegian sculptor, Gustav Vigeland, created between 1924 and 1943. If brought stateside, this particular statue, which is actually titled Man Who Attacks Babies, could stand as a tribute to how most Americans think about Congress. (Photo credit: Flickr.) 

Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

Marianne Faithfull's great-great uncle, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, penned a classic novella that Velvet Underground fans will certainly recognize: Venus in Furs. Back in the 1860s, Masoch agreed to a six-month stint as his mistress' slave under the condition that she regularly wore furs, especially when she beat him, and then wrote about it. Based on this literature, the name Masoch inspired the term masochism, and his legend lives on at the Masoch Café in the author's hometown, Lviv, Ukraine. His statue at the dominatrix-themed bar is the perfect symbol for self-abuse, which would perfectly commemorate all the people who voted for Trump.

The Laboratory Mouse

At long last, a statue that honors all the lab rats who gave their lives in the name of science! The monument, which shows a mouse knitting a DNA double helix, made its debut in July 2013 just outside the Russian Academy of Sciences in Siberia. NYC would be the perfect spot for this statue if we could 1) change the helix to a pizza or 2) rename him Scabby in honor of the labor union icon. The alt-right outta love that. 

Butt-Plug Santa

In 2001, the Dutch city of Rotterdam commissioned Paul McCarthy to create a bronze sculpture of Santa, but the tree in St. Nick's hand looks more like a butt plug than a Norwegian spruce or Douglas fir. The statue soon earned the nickname Butt-Plug Santa (or Gnome), and the city banished it to a museum courtyard. As fate would have it, the statue became an international hit and a boon for the museum. Within a few years, inflatable replicas popped up throughout Europe, a NYC shop sold thousands of Butt-Plug Santa chocolates and the original found a new home in Eendrachtsplein Square (near the cannabis coffeeshops no less). This statue would remind everyone that Santa knows who's been naughty, and putting coal in your stocking is not exactly what this Santa has in mind. 

Harriet Tubman Memorial

NYC unveiled the 13-foot-high Harriet Tubman statue in 2008, so it already exists in the U.S., but America can seriously use more abolitionist memorials, especially if they're replacing a Confederate icon. This statue shows Tubman pushing forward in spite of roots grabbing at her skirt and attempting to pull her back. This memorial could symbolize the resurgence of public racism trying to pull society back, and like slavery and the Confederacy, it too will fail. 

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