STORIES

A Guide to Having a Successful One-Night Stand

January 11, 2017

Now that we’ve covered the basics of “sloppy” sex, which tends to come in tandem with two respective substances (alcohol and cannabis), it feels right to explore a certain type of sex that’s often—not always, but often—accompanied by getting wasted: the one-night stand. Embraced and rejected in equal measure, the one-night stand is divisive for obvious reasons. It can be considered sleazy, result in truly terrible sex and get you in a lot of trouble (“wait, I thought I saw you reach for a condom”), or at least put you in the unfortunate position of performing the infamous walk of shame. On the flipside, commitment can be so overrated! So here’s what to do when you’re in the mood for friskiness over fidelity and instant debauchery over a series of slow-building dinner dates. 

1. Know what you want.

Namely, not a relationship, at least not at this very moment. If you’re in that mode, your desired conquest will smell it a mile away, and that kind of desire or desperation acts as an automatic sexual repellent to most humans. Sad but true. On the flipside, you’re doing this for you, so once you get into the thick of it, so to speak, decide this: Who cares what they (the male or female you’re having sex with) think? One-night stands are shallow, sloppy and just a tad taboo—and therein lies the appeal.

2. By that token, expect nothing!

Except sex. That’s the whole point of a one-night stand. Sure, sometimes you go out expectingabsolutely nothing and end up hitting it off with a friend of a friend or even more unforeseen, a total stranger. Next thing you know, the chemistry is so undeniable you’re talking for hours, making out at the bar and finding yourselves desperate to rip each other’s clothes off. If you genuinely like each other and it’s meant to be, your one-night stand could very well transform into a bona fide relationship. The odds aren’t in your favor, but it happens, particularly when you’re least expecting it. As for that so-called rule some women impart on themselves which states if you sleep with a guy before he’s “put in the time,” it’s a big bag of bullshit. If a guy is into you, he’s into you regardless of how soon you sleep together. 

Whether the result is a relationship or not, you are crazy if you have a one-night stand—which is, by ever-useful Urban Dictionary’s definition, “hooking up with someone for one night of sex with no strings attached and hoping to never see them again”—and expect anything more to come of it. Get any images of a relationship out of your head. They shouldn’t be there in the first place.  

3. Be prepared.

Before you go any further, make sure you’ve gotten a proper gander at your perspective sex buddy. Beer goggles and dim bar lighting are your worst enemies. Let’s not forget thefact that the phrase “coyote ugly” actually exists, and it’s not just the name of a milestone film, circa 2000, that features a diner-dancing Tyra Banks, snake-print pleather pants and the honey-glazed voice of Ms. LeAnn Rimes. Logic says avoid getting drunk. 

If you’re feeling less than sexy to begin with, stop and ask yourself what you’re doing. Or more importantly, why you’re doing it. This sort of thing is for the night you’re feeling confident, inside and out, and like you could flaunt your naked body, no problem. Being freshly showered and shaved, wearing a pair of underwear (if you are, indeed, wearing underwear) that’s not falling apart at the seams, and doing whatever else inherent to your getting-ready routine certainly doesn’t hurt, either. Be generous in bed but not so generous you appear thankful for the opportunity. Oh, and condoms. You should have one of those, too. 

4. If you go to their place… get the hell out of there.

In this situation, there’s nothing worse than overstaying your welcome, even if nobody wants you to leave. Except, of course, for puking on them, wetting the bed like a nervous kindergartener at his first sleepover or getting uncontrollable diarrhea. But, really, if those things happen, who are you? Control your body! You’ll maintain your sense of desirability if you don’t try to sleep over. Plus, you won’t have to finger-brush your teeth, risk an awkward morning run-in with a strange roommate and face each other in the harsh light of day. Keep the mystery alive, and possibly be the one (-night stand) who got away.

5. If they end up at your place, be a decent host. 

Think relatively accommodating, not all-out amazing. If you’re too nice, and your home is equally nice, they will never want to leave. If you’re rude, then you’re an asshole. Your one-night stand can rapidly change from charming to chump in a hot minute, and that minute tends to happen when they get comfortable swaddled in your 700-thread-count sheets and want to spoon for hours and days. Faking can’t-miss brunch plans, getting dressed, going outside, doing a lap around the block and promptly going right back home to crawl in bed, just to get them to leave is no fun. 

6. Laugh at everything.

Hey, people who are old enough to remember Liz Phair, remember that Liz Phair song from 1993 called “Fuck and Run”? Self-explanatory title, but here you go: It’s about a girl who gets played repeatedly and wakes up yet again in some dude’s bed who just wants her to beat it, and all she wants is a boyfriend who writes her letters and buys her a soda! Gah. Depressing as hell. Let’s none of us ever be that metaphoric girl, or the girl with a guy like that. 

It’s vital to keep it light. So it gets a little awkward or your body parts make a weird noise? Laugh! Laugh all the way to the STD clinic. Kidding. Kind of. Even if the sex is god-awful, and hopefully it isn’t, laugh at your misadventure and chalk it up to fodder for you and your friends to laugh about later on. Call me crazy, but I think a laugh is as good a reason as any to do something. 

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