One of the biggest surprises of adulthood, besides discovering the actual cost of living, is learning just how many normal, respectable, tax-paying adults are doing coke with semi-regularity. The ethics and legality of buying a cartel-sourced narcotic aside, it kind of makes sense. The stuff is pretty easy to enjoy without overindulging, and it sure does makes you feel like a million bucks… at first.
Demand for the drug is way up from just a few years ago, not that it ever truly went away. It's time to accept that, for better or worse, whether or not you partake, cocaine use is an inescapable part of life in America. But not all coke highs are worth chasing. To that end, we've come up with an exhaustive breakdown of the various buzzes brought about by the devil's dandruff. Not that we're endorsing or encouraging you do the stuff, of course. It is prohibited, after all.
Somehow, some way, you've found yourself invited to the trailer, green room or offsite location with the artist and their crew. Don't fuck this up and get too greedy with your key bump piles. The real high should be coming from the experience itself.
Beers and Nose Beers
You're doing a night out with the crew and someone's got a bag that they're not being stingy with. Everyone's got a bit of a high on, but nobody’s pushing past their limits or taking too many runs to the bathroom to re-up. This here's about as good as a coke high gets.
In all likelihood, you're only trying this because Wolf of Wall Street or a particular VICE article piqued your interest. Either way, you'll soon learn that getting the feeling of a normal coke high 10 seconds earlier is not worth the effort or gamble of messing around with your butthole.
Whether road tripping or long-haul trucking, an alarming amount of people are spooning cocaine into their noses while driving 80 miles per hour. God help us all.
Catch Up Session
Old friend who hasn't hung in forever? Why not grab a sixer and a gram to really chop it up like the good ol' days and—FUCK, it's 6 a.m. How did this happen?
Coke Sex (Bad)
Mentally, you're 100 percent there, but your body just doesn't seem to want to cooperate. Don't worry. Any partner who's familiar with this stuff knows that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.
Coke Sex (Good)
Holy shit, you feel so close to this other person and just want to make out forever, but you also want to do other stuff to them, too. Is this love?
Doing a Line Off a Tit
You've finished the coke and have now resorted to peeling apart and licking the spent baggie and combing through the carpet for dropped crumbs. The ensuing hit, should you even find anything, will not be worth debasing yourself like this.
First Try (Bump)
You're at a party and someone offers you a "bump." You quickly realize that means cocaine and decide to go for it. Why the hell not. You smoke pot and tripped on mushrooms when camping that one time. Surely this won't be too bad. Your acquaintance sticks a key with a hill of white on the end and you inhale. It doesn't burn at all like you'd anticipated. Soon after, you feel a bit more alert but also aren't quite sure it's working. Welcome to cocaine.
First Try (Line)
A more intentional inaugural trip, you've been curious about the stuff since you watched Scarface or read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. And your older sister told you about doing some in college and how it wasn't that big a deal so you and your friends pool together some money and get yourself a whatever's the smallest amount they can do-sized bag from your friend's cousin's dealer. You choose an evening and all get together and pensively start cutting out lines using just your pop culture familiarity with the drug to guide you. The high is intense and everyone in the group feels like they've bonded a bit.
You've somehow found yourself in a scenario where you're being proffered with high-quality, uncut shit. Hopefully you're not so green that you can't tell the difference between this stuff and your normal baggie. Try not to embarrass yourself so you can get invited back some time.
What are you doing?! Stop that! You're not a turn of the century doctor and I'm pretty sure Bayer isn't your plug so knock it off.
One room or corner of this house party is the designated coke spot so might as well get your share before the bag is empty in like an hour. Just Venmo the owner a fiver or something, yeah?
Whether it's writing that pilot, taking a trip to Spain or even just grabbing a beer soon, sometimes the drug moves us to start earnestly making plans that we have every intention of following through on but know in our hearts will never come to pass.
I don't care if you're sating a morbid curiosity or you accidentally partook like Shoshana from Girls. You get one no-judgement freebie freebase sampling and any rocks smoked after that warrant some serious introspection about where your life is headed.
You and your PIC not-so-surreptitiously pile into the restroom and start bumping away, spilling everywhere and holding up the line outside. You're not half as slick as you feel in that moment.
The drip is out of control and you're not feeling anything. You're pretty sure you got ripped off and have no clue what kind of shit this has been cut with but that's not going to stop you from railing it all in the hopes of feeling something.
Why did you think this was a good idea? It's not at all like Adderall. You should have known better. Oh well. Now you get to try and write a paper on geopolitics at 3 a.m. while drenched in sweat.
Perfected by its namesake, this ill-advised high comes from taking a bump at 3 a.m. and going HAM in the Facebook comments section or Twitter replies of your favorite frenemies, staying up 'til the birds are chirping attacking everyone who ever wronged you and posting anything and everything that comes into your drug-addled head, only to wake up a few hours later regretting every moment of it.
If you're tugging on the coattail of whoever's holding the bag, coyly asking for a re-up, you've entered coke vulture territory and need to check yourself. The bump (or two) you're about to feed your nose won't actually do anything for your high, and you're definitely looking like shit in the eyes of your peers.
Everyone knows the entire restaurant industry operates entirely on blow, but you might be surprised at just how many lawyers, PR execs and media sorts are sneaking cheeky midday lines behind closed doors.
Photo credit: Sweet Ice Cream Photography.