From the moment some proto-human first took a bite of the sun-fermented fruit beneath a tree and rode out the ensuing pleasant buzz, mankind hasn’t stopped looking for ways to get drunk, chasing that early kick with ever-increasing efficiency, creativity and intensity.
But not all intoxications are created equal. Some are joyous, some are mournful, some are life-changing and some are life-ending. Being drunk is such a mixed bag, often with unexpected outcomes, that many countries—the U.S. included—have attempted to forbid it outright.
To help demystify the wide spectrum of drunkenness, PRØHBTD put together a complete taxonomy of every type of drunk. Whether you’re a weekend warrior, blacking out every Saturday or a teetotaler working through your steps, there’s no escaping these alcoholic archetypes as you go about life in the modern world.
What the fuck? This is not at all what Eurotrip promised. It’s just nasty licorice hooch that gives you a stomach ache the next day. At least you’ll feel urbane sipping it from those little goblets.
If they’re serving complimentary drinks and you aren’t pounding them, you don’t deserve to enjoy the miracle of humanity’s hubristic triumph over gravity. Besides, you get to pass out and wake up in another land and time zone. This is the closest any of us will get to time travel so learn to enjoy its distant cousin.
Bachelor/ette Party Drunk
If you were going to fuck a stripper before your nuptials, it was going to happen with or without booze’s help. Hopefully you just got sloshed and had a great time with the sort of friends who would prevent you from torpedoing your future like that.
Are you on salary, a blue collar worker or anyone, really, who’s had a long day and needs to decompress? Pull up a stool, start a tab and be sure to tip your bartender as you let your troubles drift away into your poison of choice. You’ll never have a Cheers of your own, but play your cards right and you might get a round on the house here and there.
To be avoided, but sometimes inescapable. Some exercise their demons by running amok and leaving a wake of destruction in their path. Let’s just hope you don’t wake up from your blackout with your car in a ditch or a body in the trunk.
Whether the dumper or dumpee, the pain of uncoupling needs to be dulled with booze. Some prefer the box of wine at home in bed approach. Others fling themselves back into the playing field, plastered on margs in their most form-fitting outfit. Regardless of the tactic, the melancholy self-medicating is the same at the core.
Okay, you indulgent so-and-so. I see you looking for excuses to get tipsy earlier and earlier, and, fortunately for you, the brunch culture that can now be found in any urban area is there to serve your needs with bottomless mimosas and waitstaff who secretly hate you.
It doesn’t take a case of beer to truly connect with nature, but it certainly helps. Especially after spending all afternoon trying to set up the tent and build a fire that can cook more than s’mores.
Are they watering down the bottles at the tables? Is half the intoxication here a mix of placebo effect and a mild concussion from the bass-heavy speakers right next to your head? Are you even having fun? Some questions have no answers.
Sorority or Frat house, dorm room, apartment, tailgate. Wherever the setting, the other details are always the same: cheap beer or plastic bottle liquor that works within the limitations of the impoverished student’s budget, a game involving Solo cups and/or playing cards, and the false confidence that comes from believing everything you’ve been promised will actually come to fruition.
Even the worst beer tastes like manna from heaven when paired with some fresh-off-the-grill kabobs and taking the edge off that little glisten of sweat you just began to feel on your forehead.
You’re both comfortable enough with each other to let those guards fully down and roll the dice on how you’ll click without your usual wits. These nights can often make or break the duo’s future prospects. Whether the inebriated night ends in mind-blowing sex or a mental note to never contact someone again, only the fates can know.
Whether in a park, on a beach, hitting the links or just sitting at home, there’s something magical about giving yourself permission to get wasted while the sun’s still shining, even if it forces you to bail on the plans you had later in the evening.
No matter how many sips of wine your parents ply you with in your youth, there’s nothing that will prepare you for your first earnest tussle with full-on drunkenness. Usually experienced in the early teens with water bottles of booze nipped from Mom and Dad’s liquor stash, puking and a regretful next morning are near certitudes for the drunk virgin.
Doesn’t matter if you’re celebrating the end of finals, the completion of a thesis or just being rid of another batch of students, the hallowed halls of academia have a longstanding tradition of obliterating all the brain cells they built up over the term once they’re no longer needed.
It’s the holidays. Everyone is on edge and dealing with their own shit but also (mostly) enjoying seeing the relatives, so you throw back some nogs or beers, and suddenly Dad doesn’t seem like such an asshole. Oh, wait. Nope. You drank too much and veered into politics. Yikes, then religion. Oh, well. Try again next year.
Even if you’re forced into the adult Fun Jails they’ve tried to brand as “beer gardens,” there’s something otherworldly about getting sloshed with friends while in wild outfits and slightly sunburnt. This is especially true—wait, shut up. Ohmygod! I love this song! This my shiiiiiit!
You needn’t be Irish to have a public or personal wake for the deceased. Sure, you can sip wine at the reception, but real heads bring a flask and drunkenly pour one out for the homie until the hosts ask you to stop staining their carpet and leave.
Girls’ Night In Drunk
Could be tied to watching a show, could be just a scheduled excuse to catch up and lush out in the midst of your hectic lives. This brand of drunkenness is best experienced with wine, catty shit-talking and half-hearted plans to finally all go on that Mykonos trip you’ve been talking about for ages. Don’t let the name fool you, anyone can have a GNI, whatever their gender.
One of the best drunks on this list, the spookiest buzz of the year is tremendous not only in how it highlights all the amazing people watching around you, but also because you get to be someone else for the night on that high.
There’s something to be said for the cathartic release that comes from downing a few shots of liquid courage and belting out your feelings to a room full of strangers.
Not quite a party, but not a quiet night in either, getting fucked up with just the inner circle is a special kind of restrained buzz that usually doesn’t result in drama. Just make sure the childhood friends in attendance don’t stumble into a physical encounter—violent or sexual—that throws off the entire vibe of the group.
Your friends just helped you carry all your boxes and furniture to and from the U-Haul twice. At the very least, you’d better be plying them with as much beer and pizza as their stomachs can handle as a show of gratitude.
Movie Theater Drunk
Sneaking a flask or mini-bottle in to pour into your soda will not only set off that popcorn, but also make whatever Blumhouse horror romp you’re settling into that much better. You can even go big at a luxury theater and order a martini to your seat for the now-playing three-hour superhero extravaganza.
New Year’s Eve Drunk
It’s like regular drunk, but way more pregnant with meaning and anxiety about the future and who you’re going to kiss as the ball drops, should you even be so lucky.
Whether on some Miami bro’s yacht or just taking advantage of the open bar on a cruise ship, getting hammered in open water remains as timeless a tradition today as it was when they still wrote sea shanties on the subject.
Party Bus Drunk
This is a dumb idea and you’re not really sure why you signed up to do this with the homies, but there’s, like, a stripper pole kinda thing in here, which I guess you could consider kind of fun. Mostly you’re just spending your time trying not to let the strobe lights and driver’s turns make you queasy.
The intoxication equivalent of not looking back at the explosion behind you. Best to just get this out of your system up front and pick up the pieces of your life in the sober light of the morning.
Take it one day at a time and hold on to your chip if you want to. Nobody needs to know you stumbled. You are more than your one bad night.
Everything in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes you need to just treat yourself and soak in a tub while drinking wine from the bottle and watching Netflix on a laptop perched atop the toilet.
You’re not as big a fanatic as half the people in the stadium, but you get caught up and something about the Wave, poorly scripted kiss cam skits and a few overpriced, tasteless domestic beers make you cheer a bit louder for your team than you would at home.
St. Patty’s Drunk
Green beer is stupid, but so is the notion of a guy shoo-ing every snake off an island, so why not just go with it and try to keep your vomit contained to alleys and toilets once the revelry gets to be too much.
Butt chugging, eyeballing, powdered alcohol. There are myriad unorthodox ways one can get fucked up off booze if they really want to be an asshole about it.
As you may have heard, tequila is the rare “upper” alcohol, setting it apart from its depressant brethren. All this translates to is people drunk off their ass quick, unleashing their inner child onto the world.
You’re in a foreign land and can’t read the signs, but any decent society will nonetheless find a way to steer your hapless tourist ass to a local watering hole for a taste of what it’s like to get sloshed on the local stuff.
Video Game Drunk
Smashed Smash Bros. is up there in the pantheon of human experiences.
Visiting Home Drunk
You don’t think of yourself as better than anyone you grew up with, even if you moved away. So, as a show of your magnanimity, you decide to pop over to whatever spot all the people you went to high school with frequent. It only takes a few awkward catch-up conversations after being recognized to learn that your self-assessment was way off.
Love is so amazing, isn’t it? Soaking in all the vows, toasts and affection emanating from friends and family is even better when bolstered by an open bar.
Aren’t we naughty, sneaking a cheeky couple rounds over lunch. Your boss definitely, probably, hopefully has no idea you’re coming back plastered, but you don’t give a fuck either way. What would Don Draper do, right?
Work Party Drunk
Stuck in the purgatory between on and off the clock, any alcohol-infused gathering of coworkers, be it office holiday party or celebratory rounds after closing the big deal, is a risky affair and usually teeming with comely-intern shaped landmines that some can’t seem to help but step on.