STORIES

Dear Culturalist: Dad Doesn't Dig my Stoner Boyfriend

By Onya Ganja on October 23, 2017

Dear Culturalist,
My dad just found out my boyfriend smokes pot, and he wants me to break up with him. What should I do? 

Of all the advice columnists in all the towns in all the world, you wrote to me. Kinda makes me think you might smoke weed too but that your dad somehow only found out about your boyfriend’s inhalation habits. Personally, I’d just tell my pa that I’m a pothead, too, regardless of the consequences. 

I know people who hid their pot smoking from their parents for far too many fretful years only to one day have it come up and realize they were hiding their consumption in stressful shadows for no good reason at all. Fuck, man, if your parents don’t love you for exactly who you are, I think that is their bad, not yours.

The truth gets a lot of people in trouble, but personally, I decided long ago, around the time I dated a compulsive liar, to live my life in the light of honesty. It gets painful a lot, and a part of me doesn’t even think truth even exists, but I still try to chase after it and have it come out of my mouth even when it might not go over well. 

Really, the first thing you should do is ask yourself if you even really like your boyfriend at all. So many women and men date dudes they don’t even like, let alone love. This whole dad wanting you to break up with your boyfriend thing might be the perfect opportunity for you to move on, fly solo or find someone new that you really love.

I think the only relationships worth staying in are ones where the person you are with is nice to you and you love them with all your heart. Relationships that aren’t about that, or at the very least about super good sex, are just a total waste of time as far as I’m concerned. 

What I am really trying to say is, if you are not sure your partner is worth fighting for, you should break up with him or her. Make room for people you really love before it is too late. Do I sound like someone in the depths of a dark acid trip? That’s because I am, but deadlines are deadlines, and I can feel my editor waiting for this column.

If you dig deep and realize this man is the love of your life and you want to stay with him, ask your gut another question: Does your dad want you to break up with him simply because he enjoys the Devil’s Lettuce, or is he just looking for any excuse to get rid of this guy?

You obviously know your dad better than I, and maybe he does fully buy into everything that was said in the film Reefer Madness and maybe he only wants this dude gone because of that. Or maybe your dad knows your partner is a bad dude but just doesn’t have enough proof yet. If the latter rings true to you, be careful.

On a totally different note, if you have never been seduced into the gay lifestyle before, you should probably see this as an opportunity to ditch your boyfriend and jump head-first into lesbianism! Or you might regret not experimenting for the rest of your existence on earth and maybe even in the afterlife. 

If you feel joining me in queerness isn’t your pot of tea, and you are certain you love your boyfriend, legitimizing his use with a medical need is an option you should consider if at all possible to do so honestly. Does he have insomnia? Or live with pain? Talk amongst yourselves and see if you can come up with something legit, and then he should stop being lazy and get his medical license for cannabis. 

Being legit and having a valid medical reason for use stops the freaks who don’t believe in getting high for fun from blabbering on about how people that like herb have no morals. Or whatever wild, wild things they shit out of their mouths. I’ve felt so out of touch with what anti-cannabis people say… ever since I started to wear pure weed clothing and keep my hair real green to keep such weirdos far away from me.

Anyways, if your lover boy is not into you enough to walk to a clinic for a pot card, he’s either smoking too much of that dank and heavy green stuff, or he will never really love you. 

In summation and as always, my advice is to do more hallucinogens and listen to your gut and heart more than the people around you. Definitely just tune out anyone that judges what herbs others indulge in. If your dad is in that judgy club, tell your mom she should break up with your dad because he likes peppermint, or chives, or cilantro, or whatever green plant matter he loves most.

Photo credit: Meet the Parents

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