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Dear Culturalist: Don't Get Bullied Over Buds

By Onya Ganja on March 12, 2018

Dear Culturalist,
I brought some weed to a party, and my buddy gave me such a hard time about it. He heckled me saying it had no bag appeal, but I like the stuff I get from my guy and don’t see how it looks any different from the stuff my buddy brings out. Should I let him get to me?

No, you should never let anybody get to you. Ever. Not even your cat. Next time, heckle your “buddy” right back. You could claim his weed is not flushed right, even if that is far from the truth. Tell him all the ash is black, even if it is clearly untrue. See if you can get to him, just for fun. I bet he’ll lay awake at night, wondering if his pot isn’t flushed right, even if he knows it is.

Some bag-appeal ideals are real and justified, but that is rarely what people are talking about. I think seeking out buds with nice trichome coverage is a worthy pursuit. Trichomes are hairlike glands that ooze resin, and this resin contains the highest concentrations of psychoactive components. So the more the merrier, and good trichome coverage is valid bag appeal.

If your weed is coated with trichomes, it could be good weed, but there is still a chance it is utter shit for so many reasons. It could be total trash that wasn’t flushed at all. Or it could be coated with pesticides and powdery mildew with a bud rot core. Or maybe it just wasn't cured right, and if you squeeze it and literally inhale chunks of bud up your nose, you still won’t be able to smell it. In the grand scheme of things, that last fail isn’t the biggest deal.

Cannabis might also be covered in trichomes to the point of sparkling from across a room, but unfortunately it can still be drier than my eyes when Trump is on television. Dryness is not a pot deal-breaker for me. I don’t like to buy water from drug dealers. I am not impressed with parched pot, but it is simply not that big of a deal.

The issue is this: I think there is a correlation between people who let their ganja get too dry and people who wreck their weed in other ways. When I say wreck, I mean greatly diminish the quality. Subpar dusty pot can get you high, it probably just isn’t going to be the most delicious grass you’ll meet. Or maybe it will be. I forgot who I was talking to for a second. 

Am I getting to you? If so, please refer back to my first two sentences. Which brings me to perhaps my most important point. If you like your weed, despite how it looks, just be confident in how you feel. Stick up for your Mary Jane until someone actually convinces you she is bunk by pointing out valid and specific flaws related to quality. The less you care about what other people think, the happier you’ll be.

Just looking can only tell you so much. People might seek out big, dense chunky buds, but density is a totally socially constructed ideal, in my opinion. If you are growing weed and selling it for a living, bud-density desires makes some sense. Then it’s just about wanting a high yield out of a set amount of space. As a customer, I do not believe there is any reason for shoppers to seek out the biggest, heaviest flowers on the market. The bigger the buds, the greater the risk of bud rot, so that’s something to consider.

I have met lots of wispy strains that are wispy because of nature, not nurture, and are still totally lovely to smoke. Outdoor organic in all shapes and sizes should be embraced, not snubbed. Floppy buds can get you higher than an eagle, and floppy is not the same as covered in freakish foxtails that have been mutilated by a trimming machine. Learn the difference.

Also, at multiple times in my life, I had someone show me buds that they think are just the biggest, best things to happen to stoners. The humans were just gleaming with pride from ear to ear. Which prompted me on all occasions to take the nugs from their hands and crack them open to reveal the bud rot on the inside... and then throw them in the garbage.

If you want to know what is good weed and what isn’t, check out my column on shopping for pot like a pro. Still, at the end of the day, you shouldn’t choose weed, or a mate, based on size and shape or on what you think other people are looking for. You need to find the pot and partner that smells and feels amazing to you and you alone. The rest of the world has no business deciding what weed or person is right for you.

Don’t let society dictate your ideal grass or ass. Society is, after all, fairly superficial and totally out of control.

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