Dear Culturalist: What to Wear for Halloween

By Onya Ganja on October 23, 2018

Dear Culturalist,
I've gone out with this guy a few times, and I really like him. He is a big stoner, and I'm supposed to meet all his friends for the first time on Halloween. What's the coolest weed-related costume I could wear that's still kinda cute?

Cute? Halloween isn’t about being cute, but I’ll humor you and snuggle some darling couples costumes in-between some scary shit and a few strain getups. If your date says “no” to dressing up as something dope together, well, tell him to chill out and assume he doesn’t like you as much as you like him. Which personally I’d be into if I were you!

Straight-Up Scary Shit

I don’t know if anything in this wild turning ball of earth scares stoners more than the words “drug” and “test”... when spoken together, that is. A painted garbage pail over a black bodysuit is all you gotta do for this one! If you want to take the scare to the next level, you could figure out a way to make your costume a positive drug test. While I silently scream.

Prohibition is super horrifying. Dick Nixon is one of the spookiest prohibitionists in the history of the human race and likely the most recognizable. Find a Nixon mask and get a boring suit, and you are set to scare even the bravest stoners. This one is a classic, not a cliché. 

Or you could go as Harry Anslinger and walk around with quote bubbles saying slanderous things about cannabis. For example, there's his famous quote about opium and cannabis, which was a truly terrifying comparison: “Opium has all of the good of Dr. Jekyll and all the evil of Mr. Hyde. [Cannabis] is entirely the monster Hyde, the harmful effect of which cannot be measured.” 

Anslinger also claimed Frankenstein would literally die from fright if he ever laid eyes on cannabis. Who brings Frankenstein into a debate about a public health and human rights issue? Hmmm, I guess if you dress up as Harry As., you're really just going as propaganda, eh? Totally bloodcurdling!

If dressing up as a Drug War fuck isn’t your thing, you could get a prison jumpsuit and write “Drug War P.O.W.” on the front and “30 Years for Cannabis” on the back. Definitely recommended if you really want to ruin everyone’s buzz at the party with something spine-chilling.

Hollywood Power Couples

Iconic stoner duos are sure to please a haze-y crowd. Is your boy game? Ask him over a spliff tonight! There are many dope options to choose from, including classics like Jay & Silent Bob and Cheech & Chong. Slater and Darla from Dazed and Confused could be pretty adorable, or even better, Slater and Michelle, Milla Jovovich’s character. Anyone who smokes weed will know who you're portraying. 

I’ve been trying to get people to dress up as The Dude and Maude from The Big Lebowski for what feels like forever. You could live that dream. Does your dude abide? If you want to be Maude, all you need is a killer bob with dark lipstick and a bathrobe. His or hers. 

Horse costumes are pretty common, as are stoner costumes, in my circle anyways. So I’m left lying awake at night wondering why no two people ever dressed up as Buttercup the diabetic horse and Brian from Half Baked. Dressing up as a horse in a cop uniform will make you feel charming, right?

Another solid choice would be Hunter S. Thompson and "Bat Country" from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Just think very carefully about who wants to be a walking flock of bats and get whacked with a fly-swatter all night, and who wants to wield that power and scream “We can’t park here!" 

If by saying "cute" you really meant you want to dress as something sexy on Halloween, I highly recommend you dress up as Seth Rogen’s character at the end of Pineapple Express: short-sleeve tee, button-up shirt, tighty-whities and a suit jacket wrapped around your waist. Maybe even a short curly wig, if you see fit. I think you will look so hot it'll be scary, and your man can dress up as James Franco’s character!

Other offbeat options can include Ted, Towelie, Jeff Spicoli, Nancy Botwin or most anyone from this Eclectic Method remix. Or if the whole gang wants to dress up together, there's always the Super Troopers crew

Dress Like the Drugs You Love

One fateful Halloween evening, I became Reagan from The Exorcist and then proceeded to dress up my cousin as a coked-out prom queen. All night, fellow partygoers offered us white stuff, so we spent All Hallows’ Eve politely declining. Thanks, but I’d rather drink Coca Cola. 

The lesson is that people cannot resist offering you the drugs you dress up as, so dress up like the drugs you really want. For example, you could turn yourself into a popular cannabis strain. Blue Dream could be pretty fun: Hunt down a properly-hued genie costume and throw some pot leafs in the mix somehow, maybe in the form of nipple pasties.

Girl Scout Cookies could be a cool strain to dress up as, but I myself received a cease and desist order from a certain organization that I shall not name (though I will say it has young women peddling cookies) so I’d personally stay away from that one. You could go as Gorilla Glue, which would be the perfect opportunity to stock up on giant bottles of craft glue and locate the perfect gorilla costume… which also means you’ll find out if your new fellow has any furry tendencies. 

I digress. I hope your Halloween is a scream!! I’m off to search for a skunk costume and a lemon costume that I can sew together to create the Lemon Skunk outfit I hope lures some of my favorite strain my way! Maybe people won’t get what I am, but if someone has even a little bit of Lemon Skunk, I know they will offer it to me!

Feeling too lazy for anything on my list? You could also do what I did last Halloween, and the Halloween before that, and skip dressing up and get a tattoo instead. In my experience, men love it when you ditch them, especially for something cool. 

Photo credits: Twitter (Lady Gaga), Instagram (Sophie Turner) and Pineapple Express

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