The Culturalist

Dear Culturalist: Help! My Stoner Boyfriend Is a Slob

By Onya Ganja

Dear Culturalist,
How do I get my messy stoner boyfriend to be less of a slob?

Dear Stoner Maid,
Any chance you are into dabs? If so, you can always take your torch and threaten to burn him like budder every time he leaves a Taco Bell wrapper trail. Of course, this probably isn’t the best way to keep Pig-Pen around, but it is an option. Otherwise, start by considering the good news. At least your boyfriend’s mess means he doesn’t have what I like to call a serial-killer clean apartment, which I find more disturbing than a mess, personally. It makes you think he does his cleaning with muriatic acid a la Jeffrey Dahmer. The bad news, though, is that change is hard so it is often better to trash than horde. That said, if your boyfriend has long-term potential, pays most of the rent or grows brilliant plants, just keep reading!

Now, I assume you are a woman, but if you are a man or trans, the same rules apply. You need to start by assessing just how messy your stoner boyfriend really is. Like, there are dirty dudes who sleep on a bed of cigarette butts and urinate into a bucket to avoid walking to the bathroom at night (confession: he was such a lovely hang!), and there are men who leave snail trails of dirty socks and snack wrappers behind everywhere they go. The first human exhibit is someone fully committed to an unclean life, and trying to polish up a gutter punk will only make you both miserable. In the latter case, remember that a cool shaved head does not make your boyfriend Mr. Clean. If a sink full of dishes causes meltdowns, consider a little self-examination, or acquire some better cannabis strains. If you are certain the problem isn’t you, well then your boy toy just needs a little training. Men are basically just dogs with thumbs, after all.

I will start with my least intensive recommendation, which is simply to switch his indica with a sativa. You can do this with or without his knowledge, depending on how sneaky you desire to be. Feels too easy, right? I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how well this can work, but the trick is finding the right sativa strain. If you can find it, Killing Fields is usually perfect. Killing Fields is such a stellar sativa that I have actually cleaned my house completely by accident after consuming it. I started to think my partner introduced me to it on purpose! Sativas in general come highly recommended for anyone who has to do something as mundane as cleaning. Why any self-respecting person would want to wash the dishes sober is just totally beyond me.

If you fuel your grimy boyfriend up with sativa and he is still disgusting, you should try clicker training. I know you’ve probably only heard of people clicker training their pets, but think about this: If someone can train their cat to use and flush the toilet, your unlaundered partner might have hope. With pets, the clicking noises come with positive reinforcements, such as tasty treats, after they’ve done something good. The little rubber doggie toy won’t—in most cases—get his tail moving, so you might want to tempt him with what the ʼ90s rappers called dome. Maybe he prefers cupcakes to oral love, in which case you better learn to bake, but make the effort to look extra hot either way or simply “forget” to wear pants.

So how does this all work? You mention to your boyfriend that you think it would be super sexy if he cleaned up after himself. You can even do this step while he’s sleeping if you repeat the same phrase over and over again, quietly. When this seed is planted, see if your boyfriend makes anything spic and span, and use the clicker you bought at the pet shop, and present him with something, um, delicious. For clicker training to pay off, you’ll have to stick with it and be patient. Just remember, positive reinforcement usually produces better outcomes than a punishment like highjacking his vape pen.

Hopefully the sativa or clicker training will work, but in case they fail, consider a more drastic options: Leave him for a woman. Statistically speaking, women are better at giving orgasms and cleaning the house, so it might be worth a shot. This is obviously not the way to fix up your dumpy boyfriend, but it is a way to make his problem his own, so it feels like a solution to me. Of course, if you don’t feel up to the lesbian love-learning curve, I suppose you could try being even messier than your boyfriend until he revolts with cleanliness, but trust me when I say sleeping with women is a lot more fun.

Best of luck with your untidy lover, and by best of luck, I mean suck it up you clean freak! 

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