The Culturalist

Dear Culturalist: Help! I Got Shatter in my Hair!

By Onya Ganja

Dear Culturalist,
I got shatter in my hair. HELP ME GET IT OUT!! First off, I'm a dude who is fully aware that baldness is in my very near future, so I have been growing my hair out. Last night, I was grabbing a dab and managed to flick it up into the air and onto my head. I tried to grab it quickly, but as soon as my finger touched it, the shatter melted. My next brilliant idea was to take a super hot shower and melt that shit out, but no luck. Now I have a tiny micro-dread protruding from the top of my head. It's not a good look. How in the heck can I get shatter out without a haircut or using solvents? Thank you! DC

Is your dab-induced dread protruding like an apple stem? That’s how I picture it. Any day you’ll be bald so you are growing your hair out? Interesting. How do you feel about hats.

For the record, dangerous solvents sound rather sexy to me right now, but I find the fact that you’d risk melting your skull over cutting your hair pretty silly. And sure, I’ve lit my eyelashes on fire, but shatter in your hair? Really? You flicked it up into the air and it landed on your head? That’s your story, eh? Maybe you should blame it on your cat. I’m not convinced you didn’t fall asleep in bed with shatter in your hand, but I suppose the how of the matter is largely irrelevant.

I will help you because I feel bad that you and your hair don’t have long together.

Now I haven’t had a dab-in-the-locks episode myself, but I have witnessed many a friend come home from the bar with gum in her hair. Well, actually just one friend, but it happened like every weekend. My friend would just cut the gum out of her hair. You could do that, too. Then it will all be over, you’ll survive. I shaved my bush the other week, and I was devastated by the shock of it at first. Then I got over it. Maybe your shatter mishap is a sign you should embrace your pending baldness? Consider manning up and shaving your head. Get over it, embrace your hairless fox destiny and try not to waste shatter on things that can’t inhale, or time on things that don’t really matter.

You might consider increasing how often you enjoy cannabis until you couldn’t care less about your head’s appearance. Ugh, I hate thinking about hair when my brain is THC heavy. Like, it is this human matter that grows out of our scalps, yet we treat this stuff like it is a prized Persian feline. For whom? Certainly you can find a woman who is into hairless dudes even if you do waste dabs. Personally, I went through a maybe-I-should-become-a-Buddhist-nun phase, and my Buddhist professor would say things to me like, “Are you aware of the self that doesn’t want to cut your hair?” I can picture the confusion on your face. I’m into it, but will try to offer a few more practical solutions other than the suck-it-up-and-shave-it-off option.

If you are sure you aren’t ready for the life of a bald man, you could try putting an ice cube on it. Freeze the spot with ice cube after ice cube until you can flake out the cannabis goodness with a big comb. Another option you could try is the cannabis lubricant Foria. I hear it is magical. Lots of lube with a thick comb brushing might just work. Your shower failed, but you could also try taking the hottest bath ever. Boil yourself like an egg, and while you’re stewing, think about the mistakes you’ve made. While I have never gooed up my hair with wax or shatter, I have experienced being covered in resin, and I found that rubbing alcohol works wonders. Now this last one will probably work the best, but I sure do love imagining you struggle with ice and lube in your hair for hours first.

If none of these options work, wear hats forever. You could even decorate them with shatter.

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