Dear Culturalist: I Stink to High Heaven

By Onya Ganja on July 1, 2017

Dear Culturalist,
Recently a friend said I stank of pot. How can I not smell like weed after smoking it?

So you want to burn cannabis and not smell like smoke, eh? You are not the only one. People try all kinds of things to cover up the scent of this plant so many of us love dearly. The worst is when someone bathes in perfume or cologne like a dickhead. A little spritz on your hair or clothes is more than enough, and the smell of pot is far less offensive than fake smells. 

I know a guy who believes the only logical way to rid yourself of that after-joint scent is by rolling around in the cool wet grass of a summer night. I’m fairly certain he is just washing his face and hands like a dog, but he manages to convince other people to do it with him so maybe he’s onto something.

Or you could go the regular human-hygiene route and just brush your teeth and wash your face and hands. Del the Funky Homosapien wrote a song called "If You Must" that teaches listeners how to avoid being the wrong kind of funky. The suggestions in this classic hip-hop track will teach you the principles of washing yourself, which is the key to not offending others with your odor.

You could consume mass quantities of something that smells highly offensive, like garlic. The stench will cover up your love for ganja. Or you could start hanging out with skunks. If you are walking down the street with six skunks and smoking a joint, no one would notice the smell of the joint.

Going to all sorts of wild lengths not to smell of cannabis is an option, but the easiest way not to smell like The Devil’s Lettuce is to not smoke it. Clearly I would never suggest you stop getting high, but there are other ways to get stoned on the regular.   

If you know your way around edible ingestion, you can probably keep the buzz you want going with no smell at all. Unless you are making your own edibles. In which case, your whole neighborhood will know you are into the green dope, and there’s really nothing you can do about it other than seal off your entire kitchen from the rest of the world. Similar to the lengths you would go to if you had a secret grow-op in your apartment.

If you are totally in love with inhaling or simply don’t want to switch to edibles, vaping is the obvious choice. After vaping, a drink or a stick of gum is typically all I need to freshen up.

Vaped weed is far less smelly than burned weed, but if your stuff is dank even a little, you probably want to get a smell-proof bag or container. I don’t know if you have ever met cannabis that you can smell in a bag, in a tin, in a lunch-bag, in a backpack, but it is out there. For that kind of funk, you definitely need to purchase a legit smell-proof bag to contain the sweet skunky aroma.

Refuse to vape or consume edibles? Maybe you should consider becoming a more flexible person, or use suppositories. Or maybe I’m just trying to work suppositories into another one of my columns. Hard to say.

Another route that doesn’t involve switching ingestion methods is to just embrace smelling like the stoner you are. This is my personal preference, but I appreciate this is a luxury only those willing to get arrested can enjoy. The choice is yours, but you should at least consider not giving a fuck about how other people think you smell. Don’t forget, if you reek of ganja, you might attract the romantic stoner of your weed-nap dreams.

Photo credit: Flickr/Pere Ubu.

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