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Dear Culturalist: My Boyfriend Named His Bong

By Onya Ganja on October 27, 2017

Dear Culturalist,
My boyfriend has a giant sea monster-shaped bong, and whenever he wants to smoke, he yells, "Release the Kraken!” What is the best way to get him to stop doing this, at least when friends are over? 

Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend has an amazing bong and makes an amazing reference every time he wants to use it, and you have a problem with that? Maybe you are the problem, not him. Also, you really should not be asking me this question. Your time would have been better spent trying to find the witches from Clash of the Titans.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? If you haven’t seen the movie,maybe that is why you don’t appreciate Kraken references. Watch Clash of the Titans and see how you feel. Perhaps you’ll start calling your boyfriend “Poseidon” in the bedroom and realize your life together is perfect just the way it is. Film references and all.

If you have seen the film and still want your better-half's behavior to stop, remember: You need to use one titan to kill another. A titan against a titan. Medusa in particular, or even just her head. Or you could sacrifice a virgin. So there are a couple of options to consider.

You are a mortal woman and probably not a virgin, so you are going to need some help. Maybe you could get a bong that is Medusa's head and just show it to the glass Kraken. Even if this does not turn your beau’s bong into stone, it might solve your problem. Or at the very least, it will make you one-half of a very adorable stoner couple.

Time for a life lesson. If you are embarrassed by anything your gem of a partner does, this simply indicates that you need to get over yourself. I mean, if this whole Kraken situation is the only thing about your relationship that you require advice on, thank your lucky stars.

Can’t get over yourself? Then the best way to get over your partner’s embarrassing behavior is to out-do him. Get a fog machine, practice saying, “Release the Kraken” in the mirror. Get ready to make a big scene the next time your friends are over and he is about to say break out the bong. He’ll either love you more or be so embarrassed that he’ll smash the bong to end the madness. Win-win.

If that doesn’t work and you can’t find a Medusa bong or rig, you still have options. I could teach you how to manipulate your boyfriend into doing, or not doing, almost anything, but I think you should just break up with him instead. He deserves someone who truly appreciates him, and that includes his wit and sea-monster paraphernalia.

Care about him too much to release him? Maybe as a last resort, or first line of action, I have one more suggestion. Detroit Red Wings fans have this tradition where they sneak real octopuses into the hockey arena and throw them onto the ice at opportune times. You could start a tradition where you throw an octopus at your boyfriend’s face every time he says, “Release the Kraken.” This will lead to him feeling confused and disgusted and will quite likely discourage him from saying it, eventually.

Photo direction by Vahe Abed, photo shot by John O. 

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