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Dear Culturalist: My Boyfriend's an Indica-Obsessed Sloth

By Onya Ganja on May 23, 2018

Dear Culturalist,
Weed is getting in the way of my orgasms! I love weed. Like, I really love her. I dedicated my adult life to her and trying to free her from the chains of criminalization. I am a racy sativa lover, the hazes and the speedy lemon skunks are my flavor.

I have this boyfriend. He loves flatten-you-Afghanis, and he likes puffing in the day, and when he’s stoned in the day, I am not. Even on a day off, I like getting tons of shit done: cooking, exercising, dog walking, firing up the sauna. I find him spaced out, not present, so not on it and frankly… annoying. Sometimes he talks in a bit of a baby voice when he is really baked. I ask him not to get stoned in the day, to wait for me. I beg him to stay present with me, and I am annoyed when he doesn’t.

I don't want to get knocked out on indicas during the day to be on his page. The thick, heavy, between-my-eyes-sloth-vibe doesn't make me want to shag, no matter what time of day. What should I do?

Your first statement is a bold-face lie. Slanderous really. You cannot blame cannabis for not having orgasms. Hell, you can’t even blame your partner—orgasms can easily be accomplished solo or even with a pillow. You are getting in the way of your orgasms and you alone. Not Mary Jane or the sloth-man that ended up in and around your bed.

Thank you for dedicating your adult life to pot, but don’t forget that a plant is a plant, not the root cause of anyone’s problems with their sex life (or lack thereof.) I suspect if you rocketed all the weed on earth into space, this guy would still make you feel like a cat being petted backwards. Because, fast fact, you do not like him. So breaking up with him would be a truly productive task you should go ahead and get done.

While we might hate the people we love sometimes, if you find yourself in a relationship with someone you look down on rather than up to, you are probably wasting your time. Unless they are a beatboxer that can give you synesthetic orgasms. That caveat goes for pretty much every situation.

People who do not get shit done annoy me too, but then I realize having expectations for the behavior of others is self-centered and doomed to make me miserable. I have dated lots of people who smoke sedating strains all day—some of them accomplish amazing things and others got literally nothing done. Unless you count watching Joe Rogan’s podcast for the better part of a day as something.

With regard to your personal situation, we haven’t even covered the most disturbing part yet. The whole talking in a baby voice thing is just fucking weird, so please never elaborate on that. I am just sitting here wondering why you dated him. I mean, I say that in past tense because I hope you already broke up with him by now. You need to ask yourself, why did you date him in the first place? What were you getting from the relationship? Was he just the most convenient human with a dick?

I have a hunch your answer to all of those questions will be the wrong reasons. I have no idea what the right reasons to be with someone are, though. That is up to you. In fact, everything is up to you, other than how other people act. You like getting tons of shit done sober, but know there are people out there who can accomplish almost too much stoned. Very stoned. You probably can, too, but you do not want to, and that is your decision to make.

I think my average was 98.3 percent in college, and I smoked weed all day, every day. To the best of my recollection, I never spoke in a baby voice, unless I was trying to get a man to do some labor-intensive task for me. I don’t think someone should ever blame cannabis for things, but I think I can thank weed for my high average. Sure, I probably look like a total sloth most of the time, but that is how I choose to live my life. I love sloths. Not saying you should too, but if you don’t love sloths, you should go hang out with the cheetahs instead of nagging the sloths for being themselves. I think what’s great is that you know for yourself (not others) how you want cannabis to enhance your life.

In other circumstances, I would suggest you clicker train your lover with oral sex or something, but if you haven’t broken up with this guy already, you really need to. For your sake and his. The sloth of his dreams is probably out there somewhere, having a nap in the middle of the afternoon, and they could be really happy together doing nothing. Which is fair, if that’s how they feel their time on this planet is best spent. All we have is time, really. We should all get to spend it getting shit done, or doing nothing.

Also, you need to take a moment to realize that A) you kinda hate this guy and B) he does not have a desire to impress you enough to tackle some wild project with you or hold off on getting baked. So really, you are both a couple of wet blankets with no hope of igniting into fire.

The key to cultivating happiness within yourself and your relationships is respecting where other people are at and how they want to live. If someone is happy being the super chill spaced-out stoner guy, you need to love them for exactly who they are, or walk away. Otherwise, you’re just the woman jacked-up on sativas trying to tell other people how to live their lives.

Do not try to change people, just support them in being their true best selves, or simply the person they are today. If you can’t do that, maybe you need to dip into the indica jar and add “learning to let go” to your to-do list.

Trying to control other people will always lend well to creating sorrow in your mind, which does not promote an orgasm-rich life. You should be annoyed that he doesn’t want to stay present with you, but you should also realize that he doesn’t want to stay present with you, so you can nag or move on. What sounds like more fun for everyone?

Inline photo credit: Stoner Sloth campaign.


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