The Culturalist

Dear Culturalist: My Dealer Shorted Me

By Onya Ganja

Dear Culturalist,
I recently linked up with a new pot dealer as the one I’ve had for about ten years left the city I live in. I’ve purchased from the new dealer three times, and each time I’ve gotten slightly less than what I paid for and the weed has been super dry. What should I do?

First of all, a lot of people have tried to tell me dry weed is a terrible thing, but to date no one has managed to succeed in convincing me. I think the idea that non-moist cannabis is bad news is a socially constructed ideal. Sort of like western societies’ love of buxom women. If you think dryness dictates anything about terpene profiles, cannabinoid percentages or smoothness and flavor... prove it. Honestly, who cares if your dope ain’t wet unless it is to the point that it crumbles into nothing and blows away from your own exhalation. Sell me dry weed, and I will feel like I didn’t pay you for water.

Which brings me to the point that if you bought dry weed off your dealer and were shorted, maybe they weighed it when it was wet. Also, I want to say you are simply not smoking enough if you are worried about anything to the point of writing an advice columnist. Maybe I just need more information, though, like who is this new dealer, your grandma? Then you might want to say, “What the hell grandma, you owe me a gram!” Unless your grandma owns a lot of weapons, has a short temper and often accuses people of disrespecting her. Also, maybe your grandma has a scale that is not calibrated properly, but she has no idea, or maybe she simply lost her glasses. Perhaps you will get slightly more than you paid for the next three times? Give grandma a chance to redeem herself. Or don’t. I really don’t give a shit.

Whether or not you are buying ganja from your grandma, the fact you are complaining about both the slight short and the moisture content makes me think you might just be a whiny customer. That said, I am aware I once accused a bud of being whiny after the person picked up off my guy. I thought they were being petty until I said, “That is probably almost a gram,” and they said “I paid for five.” Regardless of the realism of your complaints, you should probably keep your mouth shut and see if you can find a better buddha seller. If you can’t find a better dealer, you have no one to blame but yourself. If you find a better dealer, lucky for you because telling a dealer how to do their job isn’t easy but ghosting them out when you find a new one is.

Let’s talk a little bit more about you finding a new dealer. I think you might be happier if you lowered your expectations. Or start to purchase your products a little bit legally. Or, you know, in the grey area market at least. When you pick up in the black market, you are still dealing with capitalism, but no ministry of consumer services is involved. The black market does not care what you think is fair. I think you should consider the money you overpay for dry weed on the black market the war on drugs’ fault. So really, you should be mad at Nixon and Reagan instead of the dude who shorted you. Go now and work hard to find a guy or gal who tends to carry sativas so you don’t get couch-locked from indicas when it is time to get out and vote for the next president of The United States of America.

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