The Culturalist

Dear Culturalist: My Ex Is Naked on TV

By Onya Ganja

Dear Culturalist,
My ex-girlfriend is an actress who does a lot nude and sex scenes on cable television. When she comes on, I never mention to my wife that the girl on the screen is my ex, and it got really weird the other day when she appeared on a show, and my wife said I probably like her. Is it okay that I remain silent and never identify the girl as my ex?

Dear Stripper Dater,
Pretty messed up that the wife mentions the ex when the ex appears in something you are watching on television. Maybe she knows that it is your ex, thanks to Facebook, or something even more sinister. Could be a test. Omissions are more forgivable than whatever you are omitting usually. If the wife ever says anything again, you should say something like, “She is probably boring in the bedroom.” Anything that is a joke can’t be counted as a lie, right?

Trip aside; I bet you could answer your own question if you hit a vape and thought about it for a minute. What do you think is going to happen when you tell your wife you slept with the hot naked woman on television? It isn’t going to go well; so you might as well avoid or delay it. In other words, I think you should consider never telling your wife and possibly stripping the cord of the television. Or maybe you should just throw it out the window the next time your wife mentions a woman on it. Unless you live more than two stories up. I might sound like a jerk who probably has a lot of angry ex-girlfriends, and that is true, but I also have angry ex-boyfriends. Nonetheless, I’d like to think all my exes share my opinion that sometimes telling the truth is for yourself more than the other person.

I thought when it came to ethics and the truth that you could not have one without the other. As long as you don’t omit so much of yourself that your relationships are empty of intimacy, you should sail on through your evenings of watching TV and not spilling the beans. You should keep your mouth shut and lay off the high THC sativa strains and puff on some indica instead. Back in the day, I thought you should tell everyone, everything, no matter what. I felt that way up until I had to tell someone living with advanced Alzheimer’s Disease that his wife was dead for the 50th time. I learned lying can feel like the most ethical thing in the world sometimes, and maybe it is. With that lesson also came my acceptance that lying is a valuable skill. I asked some women I smoke weed with what you should do, they said they would want their husbands to tell them and then they promptly changed their minds and decided they wouldn’t want to know.

Once upon a time, I was dating this really nice person (yes, I mean nice as an insult), and I made this nice person watch music videos of a musician that maybe slept in my bed for six months. Now, I’m not suggesting I made him watch a couple of videos—I made him watch them all. Repeatedly. Just to give you an idea of the type of person you are asking for advice from. Eventually, my nice partner found out because that old adage is in indeed correct—the truth is not a thing that likes to stay hidden long. As you can imagine, he was not super pleased with me. Now, my beau never said, “I would not have cared if we had accidentally watched all those videos, but it is messed up you made me watch them all and never mentioned you slept with them.” Wait, maybe he did say that.

The good news is that, unless you choose to watch shows starring your ex-lover, this omission feels rather forgivable. So if your wife ever asks, you should tell the truth but maybe only dribbles of it and maybe while you make your wife hash brownies.

So, you do not know your wife well enough to know if she would want to know and can handle knowing what a woman you slept with looks like—that is the real problem here. The only dilemma is how you can get to know your wife. Maybe some cannabis tea and dancing in the moonlight is a good place to start. I think more than anything this topic is not about ethics or relationships but how you want to live your life and the type of marriage you want to have. If I know men at all, I’m gonna bet you want a peaceful marriage. Either way, begging for forgiveness is almost always a better idea than blurting out, “I slept with that woman who looks perfect on screen.”

What I think you should say to your wife is “I should have told you” if that is how she feels about it when the truth is finally revealed. Anyways, when this all blows up in your face, buy your wife flowers—both from a dispensary and from a super-fancy expensive non-cannabis flower shop.

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