The Culturalist

Dear Culturalist: Strains to Make Me Look Sexy

By Onya Ganja

Dear Culturalist,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and lately she’s been finding she doesn’t feel like having sex after toking. Are we buying the wrong strain? What strains are good for libido?

In my high mind, there are a few more-than-likely causes behind your current dilemma. Your girlfriend might be toking the wrong strain for her, or the wrong amount of it. Or she just simply doesn’t like you anymore, maybe because you suck in bed.

Perhaps your significant other is wondering what strains could make you great under the sheets. Can you roll joints or do other tactile tasks with your fingertips? If the answer is no, we’ve at least uncovered one of your problems. Consider your partner your teacher and resolve to become a good and selfless student.

Here’s some random and excellent advice, likely the best you’ll ever get, especially from me. Make sure your girlfriend’s feet are always warm. Women with cold feet rarely take their clothes off. Buy her fuzzy slippers if you must. Also, just in general, don’t be a dick, if you are one. Maybe make a date of trying to figure out which strains are the best for cuddling and rubbing. Don’t be fixated on intercourse. That makes you both annoying and uncreative.

There is a really good chance your girlfriend just doesn’t dig you anymore. Unfortunately, I don’t believe there is a strain on earth that can change the fact she does not like you. Maybe a landrace from another planet could, but can you travel through space? As dope and dank as the pot from this earth can be, I don’t think it is ever going to change your chemistry with someone.

If things are wicked good in the bedroom with you and someone before cannabis, and you know your way around a weed experience, you can probably spice up your sexy routine with some sweet herb indulgences and achieve pleasurable results. If things are no bueno when you are naked with someone, it isn’t in cannabis’ job description to change that.

Let’s say your better half still likes you for some unknown reason: She might simply be inhaling the right weed but the wrong amount. For most people, there is an amount of weed that is consumable before they will most definitely sleep. Therefore, smoking five different strains out of five different bongs in rapid succession probably isn’t going to be the answer to your problems. You need the right strain and the right amount of it.

Some people might tell you there are specific strains that are aphrodisiacs. This feels quite impossible to me. One human’s dream-strain is another’s nightmare trip. If you don’t even know where to start in your cannabis sex-files investigation, try strains and products that are likely to give you a nice velvety body hum: hash, indica-leaning strains or perfectly-dosed edibles. I highly recommend them all before getting low.

Maybe there is a hyper sapiosexual out there who likes hitting a heavy sativa joint before blabbering on about some overly intellectual literature as a disgustingly cerebral means of foreplay. I suspect you are not one of them.

Worst case scenario, when you and your girlfriend breakup, go with sweet smelling sativa-leaning strains like Chocolope. You know, something uplifting enough to help you dust your life off and maybe clean up your apartment so you can think about finding a new woman to disappoint in the bedroom.

Painting by Frank Buffalo Hyde.

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