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Dear Culturalist: Take Me to Mushroom Mountain!

May 21, 2017

Dear Culturalist,
I recently fronted like I knew where to pick up magic mushrooms. I don’t. Do you have any tips on finding a good shrooms dealer?

I hear if you sit in a forest with a boombox blaring Jefferson Airplane’s "White Rabbit" long enough, eventually a half-human half-deer creature will crawl out of a bush to offer you hallucination-inducing mushrooms from the gods. I’ve been in the woods blaring psychedelic rock for many years, and no magical creature has appeared, but magical mushrooms often do find their way to me. Correlation? Or causation?

Either way, you need to let the drug fungus find you rather than search for someone selling it. If shrooms find you and you respect them, you should be in for a good trip. Magic mushrooms have a spirit, and if you don’t respect them, they’ll turn on you. An elder told me this important lesson, but mushrooms really taught me this lesson.

Maybe they’ll turn on you and lose all potency before you swallow them. Or maybe they will turn on you and make you puke your guts out until you’re certain you’ve throw up something important and you beg your friends to call 911.

Or maybe you’ll swallow the Zoomies and then your mom will show up for the dinner party you forgot was happening at your place. The mushrooms can invent creative revenge as easy as they can grow in good shit. So be cautious and respect them.

Mushrooms with hallucinogenic potential are sacred. I lived through all those uncomfortable scenarios above before I really learned this. The poison mushroom scenario is definitely the worst way to learn.

If you are ever totally overwhelmed with the urge to grow your own psychedelic mushrooms, it might be their way of finding you. I can’t really help you with your mushroom-growing adventures, though, so best to get a good book on the topic. I’d recommend The Psilocybin Mushroom Bible by Virginia Haze and Dr. K. Mandrake. This is “The Definitive Guide to Growing and Using Magic Mushrooms.”

That book should also help you identify good mushrooms from bad, but again I stress, if the mushrooms didn’t find you, it doesn’t matter what they look like, you should not eat them.

Perhaps you want to learn about fungus the hard way. If so, here are some tips on finding a guy or gal who sells psychedelic fungi. Or you could just start with my last resort when it comes to drug finding, which involves screaming. Interest peaked? Keep reading.

If I’m in a drugless jam I just simply go to a town or city and walk up and down the main street yelling the name of the drugs I want. Somehow this always works for me. Unfortunately, the same approach to finding lesbians has never produced success.

Now for good reason, you might not be comfortable with this tactic, and you shouldn’t be if you don’t look as innocent as I do or if you have the misfortune of living in a place with a lack of hippies and art students. It can be even worse if your city or town has lots of undercover cops who don’t announce themselves with Hawaiian shirts and hubcap-free cars. A drug-finding experience isn’t as carefree in a place without those luxuries.

If you want a more low-key approach, there are other ways to find sacred mushrooms and the humans that have them. They can be difficult to spot. I dated a mushroom dealer once. He looked exactly like a regular human. He even tucked his shirt in from time to time.

The only thing that really lets you know my ex sold mushrooms was actually an illumination of the fact that he was also consuming notable amounts of them every day. A certain intense and real level of paranoia started seeping into him. You could see it in his eyes that rapidly darted back and forth.

Which reminds me, if you see someone with the biggest pupils you’ve ever seen, they might know where some good and edible hallucinogens are. I would say shifty eyes or giant pupils are the only common trait of Zoomie sellers.

I’ve known people peddling magic mushrooms who were bikers and others who sold them out of their well-maintained Toyota Camrys. I think the people variety in the psychedelic fungus-providing business is pretty impressive!

If you can’t spot a dealer, ask one that you already know. Sometimes people that deal other hallucinogens like acid have mushrooms but because of shroomies natural status, asking your weed dealer is a good first step. If they don’t have them, and don’t grow their own weed, their supplier probably has access to fully developed and psilocybin-containing caps and stems.

Speaking of mushroom caps, I once found a giant one under my friend’s bed. I ate it, and it was definitely magical. So maybe you should just start looking under everyone’s bed instead of anything else I’ve said.

In summation, you could walk down town and city streets hollering “MAGIC MUSHROOMS” at the top of your lungs to find them. Sadly, this might work for me, but it is a terrible idea due to the extreme heat-scoring nature of this activity. There are lots of other ways to find a shroom dealer, described above, but it's best to wait until the mushrooms naturally find their way to you. If they don’t, I think it is safe to assume they don’t want you to swallow them, and there will be consequences if you do.

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