Dear Culturalist: The A, B, Cs of Puff, Puff, Pass

By Onja Ganja on June 20, 2017

Dear Culturalist,
I've been dating a new girl for a few weeks. I didn't smoke much pot before, but I am now because of her, though she gives me a hard time for not knowing all the stoner etiquette. For example, we were smoking a glass pipe with some friends at a party, and afterwards, she threw a fit saying I embarrassed her by "not knowing how to share a pipe at a party." We got into this big fight, but she refuses to tell me what that means. Can you?

When it comes to sharing a stoner-friendly pipe at a party, most social norms are just common sense. For example, you should try not to get any slobber or lipstick on the piece, and if you do, be sure to clean it before passing it to the left-hand side. 

Vomit and Clamato are also unacceptable substances to get on the center of attention in a smoking-circle. Also, don't partake if you have oozing open wounds anywhere near your mouth. Even chocolate sauce transported from your face to a glass-smoking surface could disgust others. Really, I guess the rule is just don't smoke someone's pipe if you know you have something on your face that isn't on everyone else's. 

All of the above is what I really hope common sense would allow most people to figure out, but there are some things you simply might not know, no matter how astute a newbie toker you might be. 

When smoking a pipe with fellow partygoers, there is some etiquette regarding how many times you should inhale. This is the same as if you are sharing a joint or anything else from which you can smoke or vape. If there are a lot of people sharing the pot, but not much of it, only inhale once. If there is lots of grass to go around, help yourself to two or three inhales before passing, but no more than three. 

I think the most common faux pas while sharing a well-packed bowl is burning up the entire top of the bowl. The proper move is to only burn a little section so that you leave some fresh green for the person next to you in the circle and the people after them.

Yes, it's like all that silly pie-chart math stuff we were taught in school has finally become useful in adult life... because it has. Look at the amount of bodies in the circle of people you are smoking weed with, and burn the plant matter appropriately. If you get the last good hoot of the pipe, you should try your very best to fill it with more cannabis and something super divine if you can. Please.

The least forgivable thing you could do in a smoking circle is break the sacred glass, but even that is still forgivable. If you do break someone's piece, offer to replace it. They may proceed to say it was blown by so-and-so, and it is estimated at $35,000 and they could be telling the truth. Good luck!

If you are roaming with stoners, you might as well get to know the world of glass a little bit. That will help you know when you are picking up a piece worth one-third of your liver. 

Regardless of the price tag of a piece, you should always be careful with someone else's prized glass, but if someone breaks yours, stay composed and kind. Or you'll look like a total jerksloth. 

Glass is a reminder of the impermanent nature of all things in life. We don't know how long any of us have, and we don't know how long our pipes, rigs or bongs have either. Donald Trump is President, just as The Simpsons predicted, so the world must be coming to some sort of end, or at least civilized society is, if it ever really existed.

My point is, life is strange and quick and you never know what will only last as long as a gram of shatter, so date people that make you feel good. For that matter, only smoke with people who make you feel good. 

If you are getting high with the right people, they will lift you up and welcome you into stonerdom with warmth and kindness. They will tell you if you are horrifying the group, with love in their eyes.

This woman you are dating doesn't sound super nice to you. Do you like hanging out with grrrls that maybe hate you? If you do, that's your business. But at the end of the day, even if you broke the pipe at the party, if the person you are with isn't on your team, maybe you should ask yourself if you're really cool with fucking the enemy. 


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