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Dear Culturalist: When Do I Tell My Boyfriend I Smoke?

By Onya Ganja on May 7, 2017

Dear Culturalist,
I'm dating a guy who doesn't smoke. When do I tell him I do? 

Ah dating, sex and the dance of disclosure. There is a lot to consider. Think about your intentions with the guy you are dating and how you think he will react to the fact you toke. Also mull over how much you love drama and your general getting-high routine. Whether or not you are comfortable living a lie is the overarching decision you need to make. Which is pretty wrapped up in how much drama you enjoy around you.

In relationships, you can never avoid hurting or disappointing the other person altogether, but such issues are much easier to deal with and repair when you’ve been honest with the person with whom you are trying to share your life.

Ask yourself: Do you smoke weed every day?

How often you get stoned is to me of the utmost importance when it comes to choosing the timing of telling a new lover that you dig ganja. If you only smoke joints in your shed every now and again, or simply indulge at a party once or twice a month, no one cares, more than likely not even your cannabinoid-avoiding date. 

If you smoke as much as I do, there is literally no way you can keep it a secret: Cannabis is part of my lifestyle and regular routine, like cats and coffee. Perhaps an intense illusion of sobriety could be pulled off by switching to discrete edibles and suppositories, but I’d miss dabs too much. Wouldn’t you?

For me it is not that someone couldn’t step foot in my bedroom without discovering I smoke weed—they couldn’t step one foot in my house without instantly knowing. Unless they are far too unobservant to go to bed with. 

Dope is my life. My walls are covered in paintings and prints of it, I may or may not have a rosin press on my kitchen table, and I have even been told I taste like it. That last bit may just be because I tend to keep fragrant strains in my underwear drawer. Either way, I’m not hiding my love for cannabis from anyone, regardless of how much I want to sleep with them. 

Ask yourself: Could he be your future husband?

Let’s talk about your intentions with this man with whom you’ve found yourself involved. Is he just an object to you? A piece of meat? Do you just want to use him for sex, for approximately 10 to 12 days before moving on? Or do you think he might be the love of your life or at least one of them? Do you just want his dick or is his name Richard and you maybe love him? 

If you think he could really be the one, or something remotely close, I think you should just tell him, maybe out of respect, maybe in the pursuit of intimacy. He might end things after you tell him, but I think this only means your romantic fantasies starring him were bound to be crushed. I’d like to think you could tell a true match anything, especially something about a plant that may or may not be part of the core of your existence.

I would never suggest someone lie, especially not a stoner who may struggle to remember their fabrications, but I’ve been told avoiding the truth is not the same as a fib. If you are just dating this dude to get in his pants, you might as well avoid all truths about yourself.

Ask yourself: Does he have a narc haircut?

You could have told your beau you toke the moment you found out he doesn’t. You didn’t. Which means you were either in shock when he told you his stance on pot or your gut simply told you he was a fan of harsh drug policies and sober-living without him saying a word. Listen to your gut and ponder whether or not he has a cop-shaped head and might turn you in.

Or is your greatest fear just that he might break things off with you? Who cares. If you really do and your gut says he’ll ditch you for your dope smoking, you might as well see how long you can hide your cannabis-infused life from him. This could be viewed as a fun and private competition with yourself, or you could let people place bets on when he’ll find out. Or at least to keep your secret until you are sure he isn’t a police officer or a narc. I’ve been in the presence of someone offering a spliff to a cop they just brought home from the bar. It is awkward, for sure.

Ask yourself: Can you live a high lie?

When you think about when or whether to tell him the truth about weed, and, especially when you think about this late at night after some rosin overindulgences, do you feel yourself fill with dread? If you don’t know the answer, try to immobilize yourself with edibles one evening and see what your cannabinoid-soaked brain cells say about your grass secrecy.

Maybe your only real talent is hiding things from a partner. You could try to live in truth to challenge yourself or you could just truly embrace your deceptive skills. How you want to go about your time on this earth is really none of my business. Maybe dishonesty doesn’t kill your buzzes or poison your soul, and you’ll successfully and happily hide your weed smoking from your dude until you are both super old. When he finally finds out, you can just tell him you felt it was irrelevant so you hid it for as long as possible.

A couple of vagrants once told me I shouldn’t bother wasting time with someone who makes me feel anything other than my best self. So now I extend this stellar advice to you. There are lots of people in this world who could love you or fuck you, for exactly the human you are. Aside from the topic of honestly, why waste any time with someone who doesn’t embrace you with acceptance? Unless you love drama.

Tell yourself: The only time we know we have is the present.

Regardless of how much tetrahydrocannabinol you tend to consume, how your date might react to your stoner lifestyle, or your chosen approach to disclosure, some situations call for absolute honesty, absolutely. Like if you bump into the guy you are dating while exiting your secret bong smoking spot and accidentally blow smoke into his mouth, you just need to tell him the truth then and there. Trying to lie your way out of such a situation could be rather amusing at the very least, but it is likely also totally impossible.

Credit: Flickr.


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