Feature

Sheep Fucking Is Legal in More States than Cannabis

By David Jenison

Sheep Fucking Is Legal in More States than Cannabis

A lot of people like to smoke a cigarette after sex, but if you just fucked a sheep, make sure it’s not a marijuana cigarette. In yet another example of prohibition’s messed-up value system, the government still outlaws cannabis more than it does counting sheep in unseemly ways.

At present, recreational cannabis is only legal in four states and the District of Columbia, while at least 13 states lack legislation that prohibits sheep fucking. Moreover, many of the states that forbid both cannabis and sheeping around typically punish cannaphiles more severely.

Case in point: Alabama. In 2014, the Yellowhammer State passed Senate Bill 151 removing Alabama from the list of pro-sheep copulating states. Nevertheless, the “transmission of semen by the person upon any part of the animal for the purpose of sexual gratification” is a misdemeanor, while selling a single joint can potentially result in a $30,000 fine and up to 20 years in prison. Furthermore, unlike cannabis, no federal law exists that explicitly prohibits sex with animals (SWA) unless it involves filming a minor (the person, not the animal) for pornography purposes. That said, the production, sale and ownership of man-on-sheep porn is entirely legal in most states for anyone wanting to film Marty Had a Little Lamb.

Prohibitory legislation is meant to keep people safe, which begs the questions, is it safer to hump a sheep (or let a sheep hump you) than it is to smoke cannabis?

Responsible cannabis consumption involves few direct risks. Getting busy with a sheep, however, can result in tapeworms, internal parasites and zoonosis (yes, a real word). Brazilian researchers published a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2011 that found animal copulators are twice as likely to develop penile cancer. Per the study’s lead author, “Intense and long-term SWA practice could produce micro-traumas in the human penile tissue… Perhaps animal tissues are less soft than ours, and non-human secretions would be toxic for us.”

Maybe you think beastiality is rare, but the study involved 492 rural Brazilians, many entirely healthy, without any prior knowledge of their mating habits. Inspiring veganism everywhere, 35 percent of the participants reported having sex with an animal at least once in their lifetimes. Still, sheep shagging is not solely a rural issue. In 2003, the Archives of Sexual Behavior looked at 114 self-identifying zoophiles (another real word, for those keeping track at home) in the U.S. Europe, Australia and New Zealand, and 36 percent lived in big cities and 83 percent completed at least some college education. At Fresno State University last year, for example, the police arrested a computer engineering student caught surfing a sheep’s behind.

Let’s pretend the federal government is a non-biased governing body that truly wants what is best for its citizens. Sheep copulation is dangerous, and while anti-drug crusaders might say the same about cannabis, even the most zealous prohibitionist hopefully does not think it is more dangerous than beastiality. Moreover, cannabis involves risks, not danger, which are different, and even the feds now admit the plant has health benefits, unlike sheep sex.

This whole line of reasoning has to do with the safety of U.S. citizens, but an equally important point is that zoophilia is animal rape. When God said, “Let them have dominion… over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle… and over every creeping thing that creepeth” (Genesis 1:26), He didn’t mean dominate them sexually. Everyone agrees that forcing an unwilling child to smoke cannabis should be illegal, but shouldn’t the same be said for raping sheep?

Even if politicians risk losing the shepherd vote, it is time for change. Federal and state officials who truly care more about health and safety need to fully ban zoophilia and repeal the prohibition on cannabis.

David Jenison (david@prohbtd.com) is Editor-in-Chief at PRØHBTD.

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