It’s not often I get handed a chocolate bar and my response is, “Daaaaamn!” Black, smooth, with a colorful pop for each flavor, it felt like I was being handed a Wonka Bar and about to have all my dreams come true. Défoncé is the caviar of chocolate, simultaneously appearing bougie and accessible at the same time. They offer unique flavors in perfectly dosed, segmented candy bars that result in a clean high and some serious bliss. I have to pace myself with these. Well, I have to try.
With single-origin strains and ingredients crafted by legitimate chocolatiers, the quality of these chocolate bars is elevated and savory. They said it best on their website, “Care in the fields, craft in the kitchen, your experience, exalted.” Défoncé’s 180mg bars come in eight flavors: Vanilla, Matcha, Milk, Mint, Coffee, Dark, Hazelnut and Dark+ (less sugar, more cacao). Most of them are gluten free, a few of them are even vegan, and all of them are delicious. I was given the vanilla flavor because I don’t like traditional chocolate (fight me). This flavor was reminiscent of a vanilla milkshake, or cookies and cream, and was decadent and rich, with flavors lingering on my tongue for a long time after ingestion. I have never had such a hard time just having one piece of an edible in my life.
I’m a lightweight with medicated treats, holding steady at a tolerance of about 10mg THC, and these bars are nicely carved to indicate a dosage of just that much. When I lifted the flap of the chocolate bar, the silver-wrapped goodie gave me a tingle like I had won the golden ticket. On the back of the box is a map that delineates the dosages in small triangles throughout the 180mg bar. So, that’s 18 doses, unless you like more than 10mg at once (many, many people do), and you always know you’re getting exactly that much. You can taste a hint of cannabis flavor in each bite, but it mingles with the vanilla bean and cacao in such a pleasant way it doesn’t feel like those brownies your friends made in high school. It feels like the dessert that royalty enjoys. As my favorite Simpsons’ character Ned Flanders would say, it was Scrumdiddlyumptious!
The high was peaceful, giggly and slow to come and go. I didn’t have any issues with motor functionality, but I was most certainly stoned, feeling more of a body high than a head high. No headache afterwards (a credit to the strain, cooking process and high-quality ingredients), and I had no problem getting my friends to try a piece… or three. It looks like I bought it from a boutique store in Paris on a shopping trip—fancy as fuhhhh. I was proud to show my guests and can’t wait to try some of the other flavors. But like, in moderation. Get the whole collection at your local dispensary, and you’ll ensure a steady stream of guests in your home at all times.
Défoncé Chocolatier bars retail for $20 and up.
Adrienne Airhart is a Los Angeles-based comedian. Follow her @craydrienne.