I picked up a couple packs of joints, and man, it feels weird to write that sentence. Joints? In a pack? It should be cigarettes! But alas, a super dope cannabis company by the name of Illuminatus has branded themselves so their box looks like that fancy pack of cigarettes your bougie friend from Europe smokes; small and thin with discreet embossed writing. Black is indica, red is sativa and both contain 3.5 grams (an 1/8th) of top-shelf bud split into five “filtered stix,” a.k.a. joints with padded filters. These babies look and feel just like cigarettes but are really high-end weed, disguised ingeniously, filtered for your safety.
When you’re holding a joint, the weight of it feels lighter than normal and somehow more evenly distributed. It smokes similarly to a cigarette, too—the paper burns slowly, the drags are short and the filter turns brown by the time you finish the joint. That brown residue is a great reminder of all the junk combustion extracts from the plant that is not currently burning down your throat and into your lungs. Your joint just got a wee bit cleaner thanks to these guys. Test results for these Iluminatus filtered stix show that every pack is filled with 25+ percent THC in the strain, and the terpene content is appropriate to classify the strains as sativa and indica (i.e., sativa uplifts and focuses you, and the indica gives you that body buzz you need for pain).
The cost is $55, which is reasonable for top-shelf weed, already machine-packed, and in a package that allows you to smoke openly in public without fear of being judged or harassed by law enforcement. I’ve paid $50 for a top-shelf 1/8th many times and can totally hang with an extra $5 for all that dope packaging and having the work of rolling the joints cut from my time. Every hit is tasty, and the filter really keeps the puffs smooth and the back of your throat safe from harsh hits.
I smoked a few alone, some with pot-only buddies and some with actual cigarette smokers, and the consensus is: hell.fucking.yeah. The bud is definitely top shelf as I smoked a sativa and then cleaned my entire house. The indica strain didn’t knock me out so much as it relaxed my body and made me give strange but profound commentary on the latest episode of Fargo. I smoked one with friends on the front porch and a cop rolled by, barely slowing down to check us out. I know we’re close to full legalization but something about the costume of having it look like a regular, non-threatening cigarette was so comforting to us all. Plus, cigarettes are evil, but you look super cool smoking one. Like, super cool.
You can follow Illuminatus on Instagram to see who’s been smoking these covert doobs, and you can hop on over to Reddit and read comments from a bunch of people who are freaking out about these filtered stix because they can’t even believe a product like this exists since no one ever thought we’d have this much legalization in our lifetime. Remember, consume responsibly and have fun telling a cigarette smoker who’s looking to bum one that it isn’t made of cancer-causing ingredients and corporate greed: This is medicine.
Adrienne Airhart is a Los Angeles-based comedian. Follow her @craydrienne.