Whatever goes up must come down, and nothing makes for the comedown of a high like a messy breakup—and aren’t all breakups messy? Except, of course, for the comedown of an actual high. Then again, the feeling of falling in love is eerily similar to that of a cocaine high, chemically speaking, so when the good feelings dissipate, so do that adrenaline surge and dopamine rush. The days surrounding Valentine’s Day are actually the biggest relationship-crushers of the year (ever hear of Red Tuesday?), so there’s a decent chance you’re dealing with some dissolution right about now.
Shake off the aftermath’s rubble with a new lease on life—and a few presents for yourself. Being single is underrated and codependency isn’t an appealing look. Speaking of looks, drop the Ben & Jerry’s pint (cliché of all clichés), splash some cold water on your face and remind yourself, if every man is an island, you’re an exotic tropical destination many would be delighted to visit.
1. SSUR HH Blocks 6 Panel Snapback: If by headhunter, you mean purveyor of blow jobs, then, yeah, that’s you. A hat can also be useful if you’ve lost the will to shower.
2. Scaramouche + Fandango. Men’s Body Wash: Speaking of showering, scrub the lingering stench of that old relationship off your skin. With papaya and Vitamin E, this one will make you feel particularly fresh.
3. The Hill-Side Multicam Camo Back Side Print Denim Wallet: Now that you’re single, you’re probably going to have to buy random girls drinks, so you might as well get an inconspicuous wallet you won’t mind whipping out.
4. Deborah Lippmann Gel Lab Pro Nail Polish in The Pleasure Principle: Out with the old, in with the new… manicure. Innocent lilac is the right shade to complement spring’s grunge-goth clothes.
5. Love, Courtney by Nasty Gal Miss World Satin Tutu Dress: Now is the time to wear your silliest, sluttiest dresses. Like this tiny tutu number from Courtney Love’s collaboration with Nasty Gal, fit for a horny princess.
6. Giuseppe Zanotti Mirrored Leather Sandals: To all those ex-boyfriends who complained about your giant shoes making you taller than them: Coming in at over six inches, these metallic platforms will tell them to suck it.
7. Dior So Real Brow Bar Sunglasses: In case you’ve been crying, first, stop. Then dab some hemorrhoid cream under those eyes and cover up with a pair of sunglasses so sick you won’t feel like you’re hiding.
8. Samsung Gear VR Headset: PornHub is so 2015. There’s nothing like some virtual reality porn to distract you from all that boring, old real-life sex you were having.
9. Master & Dynamic ME05 In-Ear Headphone: Pick up compact and discreet headphones for blasting rage-filled heavy metal or forlorn love ballads, or just for listening to the sweet sounds of VR porn.
10. Sachajuan Intensive Repair Shampoo: Much like your heart, your hair could probably use some intensive repair. A little “ocean silk technology” for your strands certainly won’t hurt.
11. Altai Brands Bittersweet Dark Bon Bon: Love is bittersweet and so is this luxurious chocolate from Altai Brands, but at least the latter is infused with 10 to 25 milligrams of THC for a high without the heartache.
12. Suck UK Table Gun Vase: Take those violent feelings and stick some fresh flowers in them, at least metaphorically. This trio of ceramic guns proves vases don’t have to be boring.
13. Burner: Dirt-cheap burner phones are for dealers. But it’s helpful to have a secondary number for all those pesky texts you’ll be getting after a night out of bar-hopping and consequential flirting. Download this handy app and keep your “real” number off-limits.