GO Get Laid because you're human

September 13, 2018

We all need a dependable coping mechanism to fall back on during troubled times. For many, cannabis is that coping mechanism. After you spend a full day fielding emails and absorbing a steady stream of increasingly psychotic New York Times push notifications, you may require a joint to take the edge off. But weed can't fix everythingwhich is where sex comes in. Sex is even more essential because it releases endorphins and reminds you that you’re a human being, not a corporate commodity with a burgeoning smartphone addiction. It's a cornerstone of self-care, and it's certainly worth investing in. Read on for some of the chicest—and strangest— sexual accoutrements from the far reaches of the internet.

1. Motörhead Orgasmatron Wand Vibrator: Yes, there is a Motörhead vibrator. And yes, that head-shaped rubber attachment is completely terrifying.

2. The Pisces: A Novel by Melissa Broder: Come for the gorgeous book cover, stay for the graphic depictions of sex between a woman and a merman.

3. Studio Job x Seletti Mouth Lamp: A red lamp in a bedroom is never NOT a good idea.

4. Dosist Arouse Pen: Dosist's "arouse" pens are formulated for—you guessed it—arousal. But the best part is that they emit a slight vibration after you have inhaled a single dose (2.25mg) so you can make sure that you don't get too high before you attempt to sleep with someone.

5. Christopher Kane Sex Slogan Clutch: This graphic clutch by Christopher Kane will increase your chances of getting laid by 1000%.

6. Savage x Fenty Ruffle Open Cup Bralette: Leave it to Rihanna to design a bra that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination.

7. Savage x Fenty Kitty Whip: Rihanna's foray into bedroom accoutrements includes marabou handcuffs, satin blindfolds and several pastel whips. They're unlikely to impress a seasoned practitioner, but perfect for a casually kinky "Bitch Better Have My Money" enthusiast.

8. Foria Awaken: The first non-THC product from Foria is an "intimate massage oil" derived from hemp and eight different plant aphrodisiacs. Mind-blowing orgasms await.

9. Keith Haring x Tenga — EGG Party: In lieu of having sex with an actual human being, the Tenga egg is a surprisingly chill option. Plus the visual is way less creepy than a Fleshlight.

10. Opening Ceremony Shinoyama Large Nude Tote: Haul around your essentials in Opening Ceremony’s collaborative tote with the erotic master Kishin Shinoyama.

11.  Working Girls Boob Pool Float: Pool float mania shows no signs of slowing down so you might as well embrace it. This boob-shaped float is also available in a darker skin tone.

12. Jonathan Adler Banana Bud Vase: A dick-shaped bud vase is a welcome addition to any bedside table.

13. Richardson x Fuzion x US TUBES Bong: The erotic magazine-turned-streetwear label Richardson recently introduced its first bong, which can be yours for $420.

14. Showboat: Punk / Sex / Bodies by Toby Mott: This limited-edition book examines the intersection of punk culture and porn, drawing from a vast archive of rare publications and ephemera.

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