GO Goth because black never goes outta style

November 5, 2018

We used to make fun of goths for their chronic pessimism and questionable makeup choices, but in today’s increasingly volatile world, adopting a goth lifestyle makes more sense than ever. After all, life is pain, and Bauhaus is beyond a legitimately good band. Why should we waste our time conforming to societal norms when we could be smoking a joint in a graveyard instead? Goths know that performative happiness is total bullshit—and they’re right. They are also correct in their assertion that the culture at large is largely annoying. Social media is insufferable. The 24-hour news cycle is exhausting. Kanye and his MAGA hat are completely unavoidable. We should all throw away our phones and replace them with the collected works of Edgar Allan Poe. We should wear black, revisit The Cure’s Disintegration and embrace a more honest way of life. With that in mind, here are a few items to aid you on your quest for dark self-actualization.

1. Kenzo Horror Movie Print Sweatshirt: A perfectly adult sweatshirt for people who used to shop at Hot Topic.

2. North Face Apex Plus Etip Gloves: Remember life before touchscreen compatible gloves? That was hell on earth.

3. SSS World Corp Black Drainage Reaper Socks: Everyone has a death wish, why not aestheticize it?

4. 032c Resist Pin: The ideal accessory for a march into the dystopian future.

5. Tokyo Smoke Journey4 Pipe: It’s sleek, it’s portable and it’s a major improvement over that glass  pipe you won’t clean.

6. Emanuele Bicocchi Silver Tiny Skull Ring: A subtle nod at gothness that won’t alarm your parents.

7. Nars Powermatte Lip Pigment: This liquid lipstick is both goth and Rihanna-esque.

8. 420 Elite Black Skull Water Bong Pipe: Draw the blinds, watch The Crow and smoke your strain of choice via this skull-shaped bong from 420 Elite.

9. CB2 Slim Black USB Lighter: Yes, you can now buy rechargeable flameless lighters from the same place where you bought your couch.

10. Pressed Juicery Activated Charcoal Lemonade: This lemonade is infused with the charred remains of coconut shells. It’s allegedly good for you, but worth drinking for the look alone.

11. Oshan Essentials 'ELE Face Wash: Charcoaled coconut makes a repeat appearance in this face wash from Oshan Essentials, which also contains hemp oil.

12. LEEF Organics Nooks + Crannies CBD Soap: Soothe your skin with this game-changing CBD-infused soap.

13. Norden Big Sur Room Spray: Since goths spend so much time indoors, it’s worth investing in a decent home fragrance. This one contains balsam fir, citrus and birch tar.

GO Back to the '90s and inhale

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