When the Michael Jackson-assisted Rockwell single “Somebody’s Watching Me” came out in 1984, it was the ultimate anthem of irrational paranoia. Now well over thirty years later, it definitely sounds dated, but it doesn’t sound quite so absurd. Thanks to our wholehearted embracing of personal technology and social media in all its daily life-probing incarnations, we’ve put ourselves under almost constant surveillance. Let’s take it a step further with some serious, and not so serious, stealth gear and spy shit.
1. ECOO-PRO Rugged Unlocked GSM Cell Phone: Not only is this burner phone virtually untraceable, shockproof and waterproof, it features a two-week battery—and looks like a toy from your childhood.
2. Zoom H1 Handy Portable Digital Recorder: This best-selling stereo mic picks up the subtlest of sounds and it’s got a built-in reference speaker for instant playback—perfect if you want to prove someone wrong after a heated argument (and possibly look like a conversation-recording psycho in the process).
3. 11 By Boris Bidjan Saberi Daly Wallet: If someone is indeed watching you, show you’re watching them back with a wallet that flips any onlooker the double-bird.
4. Maharishi x Senz6 Automatic Umbrella: Here’s an umbrella that will help you stay perfectly camouflaged even when you’re running around in the rain.
5. Amazon Echo Dot 2nd Generation: Kick back at home and let this voice-controlled device do all the work for you, like play music, control your other devices and read the news aloud.
6. ThinkGeek Star Wars BB-8 Waffle Maker: Now that you’re totally nerding out, you should really go for it and cook up some Star Wars-themed waffles so you have something to snack on while you sit around paranoid.
7. Jawbone Under Amour UP3 Fitness Tracker: Put yourself under surveillance in the name of your own general well-being with a tracker that captures the nuances of your sleep cycle and monitors your health throughout the day.
8. Vaporous Portable Vaporizer: This super-sneaky vaporizer is designed for you to hit when you’re on the go (or sitting in a dark van) and offers a generous 300 puffs.
9. C2H4 Los Angeles Pullover Jacket: Keep it low-key with an army-inspired alternative to a traditional jacket.
10. Head Porter U-Bahn Rucksack: Pick up a rugged yet lightweight (it’s made of simple nylon twill) backpack with multiple pockets for all of that gear you’ve now acquired.
11. Obey Men’s Times Beanie: The burglar staple gets a modern update, thanks to a stern logo from Shepard Fairey’s classic streetwear brand.
12. Acne Studios Telde Leather Ankle Boots: Pick up a pair of lug-soled boots for creeping around quietly. Acne has copped the classic hiking boot style from Timberland and upgraded it to luxe effects.
13. Alexander Wang Cropped Satin Bomber Jacket: This shrunken bomber may not conceal much, but with exaggerated sleeves and heavy metal, it has major impact.