How to Be a Functioning Drug Addict: A Guide for Women

June 8, 2017

Calling all party stimulators, troublemakers, rebel-rousers, reality-rejecters and those who prefer not to think about the future! Everyone else, keep it moving. Fact: Drugs are lame and kind of embarrassing, at least if you admit your appreciation for them in the wrong company. Another fact: Drugs can be both fun and useful. They can also destroy your life, but I’m a spiked glass-half-full kind of person. As long as you counter your days and late nights of untamed hedonism, dirty debauchery and generally illicit behavior with healthiness and balance, your life should remain relatively intact. And if it doesn’t, disregard everything I say, always. 

There are two tips that apply to any and all drugs. No, besides do them in moderation, don’t get addicted and avoid talking about how much you love your preferred substance. It’s wise to plan ahead. Unless you’re dialed-in to your locale, it can take upwards of hours to get the drug you want. For example, if you know you want to go bat-shit crazy in Vegas, get a reliable contact, text ahead of your trip and have, say, Vegas Larry waiting for you in his party van on the evening of your arrival. Because nothing suggests dependability like a party van. 

1. ADDERALL: The High-Focused Instant Amp-Up 

Adderall is known as a “smart drug,” but—shocker—it only makes you think you’re smarter. So what? Confidence can take you far, even when it’s unwarranted. Enjoy your right, you falsely inflated superhuman. An appetite suppressant, it’s genius for doing a daylong fast to feel skinny and lithe, stat. So don’t take it and go out to dinner, or your company will deduce you have an eating disorder or you’re on Adderall. It’s also a good hangover helper, so if you’ve been out all night, probably doing at least one of the other drugs on this list, and still need to go to work in the morning, pop one to snap into motion. Other ideal activities include organizing your closet, writing (I’m on it right now and, yes, I think this article is awesome), working out, drinking red wine (if you want to take yourself down a notch) and drinking coffee (if you want to turn yourself up a notch). Catch yourself and slow down when you realize you’re talking a mile a minute about how your ankles never get tan or how Pitbull is actually a valid pop artist whose songs send a message of gratitude or something. 

There’s a reason it’s heavily associated with college kids: They love this shit. If you don’t have easy access to a college campus or undergrad parties, you creep, the ideal way is to get it through an irresponsible psychiatrist, since it usually runs for $20 to $30 per tablet on the black market. Then again, as a girl it shouldn’t be that hard to cajole your dealer for a couple of freebies when you’re throwing down for blow or whatever. Compact and virtually traceless, it’s your little secret. If anyone catches you popping your mother’s little helper and you don’t want to reveal, just say you need your Vitamin C. Since it tends to make the hands a little shaky, those without professional-grade makeup artistry skills ought to stay away from liquid eyeliner, lip pencils and bright shades of lipstick. Now is the time to flaunt your empty stomach’s flatness. Put on a crop top, skintight bodysuit or something else body-conscious. When it wears off, you might experience a touch of grumpiness or a passing wave of mild rage, but that’s about it. Avoid taking a second dose, unless you want to stay up all night, since trying to fall asleep on Adderall can be a real bitch. 

2. MOLLY: The Enigmatic Euphoria-Inducer 

There’s a common misconception that molly is the pure form of MDMA, but in reality, it’s created in Chinese laboratories and no one knows what it actually is. Since you can barely trust this stuff to begin with, you at least want to get it from a drug dealer you can trust. (Which leads us to the larger, semi-rhetorical question: Can you ever really trust a drug dealer?) An ideal situation for dropping molly is when you’re out to dinner with a likeminded partner in crime and want your night to take an unhinged direction. Wait for a moment when no one’s looking, and coyly sprinkle it into your water glass. Enjoy the bitter, gross taste in blind faith, chase it with anything else as soon as possible, and wait about 20 minutes to enjoy a rush of warmth, followed by the desire to hand out compliments and talk passionately about the people around you. It all makes for a delightful sensation. Bonus: Doing it in the middle of the restaurant will make you feel like a spy. 

Then go to a dance party and make out with someone. Having sex on molly can also obviously be a pleasure, as long as you’re not getting it on with a random and then you might find yourself ruing that molly the next morning. When it comes to styling this drug, opt for something tactile, like clingy crushed velvet, lush suede, slinky silk and stretchy, body-hugging fabrics. Lean towards the high-end stuff, lest your experience take a dissatisfactory turn. At least you’ll feel good about your outfit! Indeed, the draining and depleting effects of the consequent crash can feel slightly devastating. Preempt a nightmarish next day by taking vitamins, as well as piracetam, sold as an over-the-counter supplement for “cognitive support,” and reserve a solid 24 hours for recovery time. Also, try not to take a bad dose and die. 

3. COCAINE: The Party-Time Perk-Up

Despite having a somewhat passé reputation these days, “the caviar of street drugs” still seems to be everywhere. And it’s still making people act as greedy as ever. Channel the original coke era, the ʼ80s, and turn it out with the appropriately aggressive combination of skintight mini-dress (preferably one with a tag that reads “Alaïa”), severely spiked stilettos and high-powered red lipstick. A little bump can be extremely helpful if you’re getting tipsier than you’d like, or if you’re downright drunk. As far as acquiring it last-minute when you’re out at night, if you happen to have good instincts about people, you can point-blankly ask the right person and they’ll have it. Worst-case scenario, you have a brief awkward exchange and walk away looking like a party girl with a problem. One could argue bathrooms were made for doing cocaine. There’s something fabulously secretive about getting up to something in the restroom that’s not peeing or changing your tampon. Lines are nice and all if you have time, space and a glamorous mirror on hand, but when you’re on the fly, a key bump is the logical way to go. Plus, what you’re doing is sleazy enough. There’s no need to make it seedier by snorting powder off the top of a toilet bowl. You also might be surprised how easy it is to sneak bumps, whether from a key, fingernail (preferably one that’s long and immaculately manicured) or the top of your hand, in plain view at a crowded bar.

Coke pairs well with vodka-sodas, since your tongue is numb anyway, and optimal pastimes include talking for hours and hours about yourself and whether or not you should order more blow (spoiler alert: you will, and you will probably regret it); taking extra-long bathroom breaks with your girlfriends and gossiping at an accelerated pace; having intimate after-hours soirees, full of meaningful conversations; making “friends” with strangers; and chain-smoking. As for the pratfalls, if you do enough, not only can you catalyze a heart attack or gushing nose, you can—even worse!—get such bad dry mouth that kissing and blow jobs are out of the question. Plus, ever hear of coke dick? The worst thing you can do besides get a nose bleed and not even notice it is repeatedly sniff, touch your nose and rub your tongue compulsively against your gums—all dead giveaways. Don’t walk into a friend of a friend’s living room and dump a bag out on the coffee table. Generous a gesture as it is, it’s tacky. Come the afternoon after, remember all that food you wanted nothing to do with last night? You’ll want it in massive quantities now. Have nasal saline on hand if you want to flush out your face, and take Adderall if you miss that feeling of speediness but aren’t aiming for an all-out bender.

4. XANAX: The Chilled-Out Tranquilizer 

Cop this ubiquitous benzo from your therapy-dependent, pill-popping friend or hightail it to a psychiatrist, to whom you’ll describe your anxiety disorder in detail (suffering from cold, sweaty hands, insomnia and compulsive behaviors, like maniacally washing your hands, are all signs). Just like Adderall, a tablet is as easy and subtle as recreational drug-taking gets, and that’s the beauty of it. However, for those of you who enjoy a little more ceremony, you won’t be satisfied unless you’re packing, rolling, cutting or snorting your substance. Xanax is ideal for passing out on your couch and missing an entire day, which could be either a perk or a peril, depending on how you look at it, as well as sleeping on long flights, watching lowbrow TV shows and mellowing out after a fight with your bonehead boyfriend. Avoid taking it when you’re out drinking, as you might end up unconscious on the floor of a bathroom stall or worse yet, a horny stranger’s bed. 

Now is the time for your most perfectly worn-in vintage T-shirt, cashmere sweater and favorite workout leggings (because I can’t bear to use the phrase “yoga pants”). Throw on some diamonds to class things up and gaze at blankly, then sip some generic white wine like pinot grigio or chardonnay, so you can get your Real Housewife on (and as you nurse it, let the shrill sound of Ramona Singer’s voice echo through your head: “Take a Xanax! Calm down!”). If you want to be a slick pill-popper, don’t talk about being a slick pill-popper and also don’t wear this necklace. While it might make you dizzy or drowsy when you’re on it, if anything, you can take it to combat a comedown from something else.

5. WEED: The Socially Acceptable Herbal Easer 

Pot is everywhere, from your friend’s mom’s nightstand to the bottoms of teenagers’ backpacks. If you can’t get it when you want it, you don’t have the right to call yourself a self-respecting drug enthusiast. Hopefully you don’t call yourself that, anyway. In the wise words of Cher Horowitz, “It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.” Unless the old wake-and-bake routine does you well, smoking weed is best saved for when you don’t have a laundry list of tasks you want to accomplish. Not to state the obvious or anything. 

Technology today is really something. While you can easily get away with puffing a joint like a cigarette on most dimly lit and mildly trafficked sidewalks, vaporizers were basically made for discreetly smoking weed in public. Wear something streetwise and comfortable, like slouchy sweatpants or baggy jeans, preferably with a pair of old-school Calvin Klein underwear peeking out. A beanie (Alexander Wang makes the best ones) and a cushy pair of kicks complete an off-duty look. Weed potentially pairs with anything and everything, but it goes especially nicely with your favorite foods, a forty of malt liquor (this is only if you have a blunt and want to get nostalgic for middle school), and a hangover that won’t quit. It’s also particularly nice for lying on the beach in the sun, hanging out with Rihanna, watching silly movies, ordering in a smorgasbord-caliber feast, sitting shotgun in a convertible on a scenic drive or simply going to bed and enjoying elaborate dreams you’ll fruitlessly attempt to figure out in the morning. 

Photo credits: Flickr and Flickr.

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