Ten years ago, Ivanka Trump launched a jewelry collection for the "self-purchasing female" who doesn't need a man to buy everything for her, and for Father's Day this year, she posted a Gift Guide for the female empowered to purchase for men (yea, feminism!). The first (and seemingly only) daughter curated nine gift options a woman can give her "main man" (sorry Jared) who "insists he doesn't want anything, but we all know that's not going to happen." And if there's anyone who knows what daddy really wants, it has to be Ivanka Trump, right? Clearly she had her main man in mind when she made this list, so here's why these gifts are perfect for the dad who honored his children by saying, "The second-greatest day of a man’s life is the day he buys a yacht, but the greatest day of a man’s life is the day he sells it."
President Trump doesn't drink alcohol or smoke cannabis, but that doesn't mean he won't enjoy an $18 silicon ice mold. Per the product description, the wedge "creates an ice slope" that should appeal to the man who likes to race downhill. To quote his son Eric, "[Dad] would try to push me over, just so he could beat his 10-year-old son down the mountain."
The first two items in the gift guide (and four items overall) relate to alcohol in some way, which might be Ivanka's way of dropping a subtle hint. These "fan favorite" drink coasters are made with the same leather as NFL footballs, which makes them a ideal gift for kids like Donald Jr. who told Anderson Cooper, "It wasn't a typical 'let's go play catch in the backyard' sort of father-son relationship."
Molton Brown Grooming Gift Set
Sure, the Ivanka Trump site linked to a dead page at Molton Brown, but this set of "black pepper body essentials" is perfect for her daddy, and not just because he can use a grooming upgrade. The gift set includes a body wash, antiperspirant stick and black pepper cologne spray, and like his own daddy, The Donald seems to love anything that includes the words black, sticks and pepper spray.
Mini Travel Poker Set
Let's all just agree right now that this gift needs to top Ivanka's gift list for daddy. For starters, the President clearly loves to gamble (see Paris Accord), and its miniature size is ideal for his little hands. Plus, it's "monagrammable"—or as spell check might put it, monogrammable—and we all know how papa likes to put his name on anything not called responsibility.
Five-in-One Grill Tool
The Swiss Army knife of grilling is a five-in-one tool (like daddy's inner circle) that includes a spatula, basting brush, BBQ fork, bottle opener and corkscrew. Again, daddy don't drink, but he certainly would love the fork for his Albanian pizza slices and the brush for basting his steaks with ketchup.
Crosley Traveler Turntable
True story: The Donald once said his favorite reality series was My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss because "it's an honor" to be parodied. One Combover the Cuckoo's Nest, anyone? Either way, if dad likes parodies of himself, he must love Butt Trumpet's "DICKtatorship," and now he can take this single and others on the road with this portable record player. Ivanka's site says this gift lets you "play DJ," and who can forget some of daddy's fave tunes from the campaign trail.
Filson Original Briefcase
Like Trump's children, this handbag bills itself as "made in USA with imported material," and like the man itself, it's "definitely not a blend-in-at-the-meeting briefcase" (unlike Trump when he's finally wearing an orange jumpsuit). The bag is also good for transporting dollars and rubles because, as a 12-year-old Donald, Jr. once told daddy, "How can you say you love us? You don't love us! You don't even love yourself. You just love your money." Awww, so sweet.
Nespresso's VertuoPlus Single
Ivanka's peeps call this the perfect dad gift to "replace his ancient drip." Thank you for that. But maybe a more appropriate description for the "endless coffee" machine is that these middle-of-the-night tweets aren't going to write themselves, and the original covfefe machine just ain't working like it used to.
Golfer's Tool Belt
Sure, the trust-fund dad who said "children are… much tougher than people think" could spend Father's Day with the kids, but we all know he'll be golfing at the Southern Safe Space. After all, Trump did say, "I know friends who leave their business so they can spend more time with their children, and I say, 'Gimme a break!'" So forget the family face time and buy daddy this "tee-time tippler" that includes a steel flask, markers, tees and a monogrammed divot tool (and we all know daddy likes his monograms). Just make sure you don't have a better score on the golf course. Like Ivanka once lovingly recalled, "I remember skiing with him and we were racing. I was ahead, and he reached his ski pole out and pulled me back."
Now that's what you call a super dad!