STORIES

Official State Foods, Ranked and Paired With Cannabis Strains

By Justin Caffier on July 10, 2017

We already live in divisive times, so why not stoke those fires further by pitting the states against one another in a battle for dietary dominance? We pulled from the various subcategories (e.g., nuts, fruits, desserts, beverages) of the official foods of the U.S. states to compare the top picks against one another and find out which regional cuisine reigns supreme.

Though we may be needlessly making things combative, we’re also not without mercy. To help blunt the edges of this whole messy affair, each state’s contender is paired with the cannabis strain that we feel best helps bring out its flavor.

North Dakota – Chokecherry

ND’s lone offering is the chokecherry, a bitter little ball that's toxic to tons of animals and barely edible by humans without the addition of sugar. Smoke Deep Sleep as soon as these gross orbs touch your lips so you can pass out ASAP and forget you ever tried to ingest them.

Rhode Island – Coffee Milk

As a coffee purist, the entire notion of coffee milk is an abomination in my eyes. The idea of squeezing sweetened coffee syrup into a glass of milk makes me want to cut my tongue out like Oldboy. Rather than go to that extreme, instead, smoke the incredibly harsh Black Label Kush as penance for trying this swill.

Washington – Walla Walla Sweet Onion

You’re not my enemy so I’m not going to tell you to go eat raw onions. Instead, just smoke Sweet and Sour Widow, which has sweet onion notes, and we can just pretend like you ate the bulbs. 

New Hampshire – Pumpkin

As fun as they are for carving, tossing and all other sorts of autumnal activities—not to mention the bounty of delicious foods produced by their seeds and flesh—the pumpkin, on its own, makes for a shit meal. Smoke a Narnia sativa with this because you’re gonna need something that encourages creativity to get through this tough snack. 

Idaho – Potato

I know you can do a lot with and to a potato, but there’s something so depressing about the idea of a plate with nothing but a plain, boiled potato on it. Smoke some Fruity Pebbles to liven up this bland lump. 

Tennessee/Ohio – Tomato

You can only choose one food, and you were both so creatively bankrupt that you settled on the tomato? See me after class. I mean, you could do worse than munching on a juicy tomato like it’s an apple. Of course, you could do way, way better, too. Northern Lights should keep things mellow for you and prevent the tomater’s acidity from hitting too hard.

Delaware – Peach Custard Pie

Hey, Delaware. Get your shit together. How is it that the first state in the union has only gotten around to naming one official food? And what a Frankenstein’s monster of a dessert it is, too. Peach pie? Sure. Custard? Fine. Together? Lol you wild, wyd tho? Have some Peaches and Cream with it (or by itself) if you're up for it. 

Hawaii – Coconut Muffin

This is the only offering from The Aloha State, and what a weak one it is. They must’ve felt compelled to incorporate coconuts into their state food. Why they chose to go the bizarre muffin route with them is beyond me, and I like coconuts. Stay on theme with Tropical Tang, a happy hybrid. 

South Carolina – Collard Greens

There’s something about that metallic aftertaste that will always prevent collard greens from ascending the ranks, and I know that opinion opens me up to attack. Sour Lemon OG seems an appropriate pairing for this dish.

New York – Apple

The home of the Big Apple shocks no one by selecting the humble apple as its state fruit. Apples are fine, really. But when this is the best your state has to offer, you’ll have to settle for low placement. A Sour Apple hybrid will probably taste better than the fruit you’re chomping alongside it.

West Virginia – Golden Delicious Apple

I’m an apple racist, I guess, because these are the best apples get. They pair nicely with Pineapple Express, too. Bet you didn’t see that one coming.  

Arkansas – Rice

A somewhat dry platter of offerings from The Land of Opportunity, so workhorse, no-nonsense rice will be its champion, placing the state in the middle of the pack. Rice is plain but respectable. We wouldn’t have so many of the world’s great dishes like sushi and jambalaya without it. Blue Dream is a nice malleable strain to work with here.

Wisconsin – Kringle

The official state pastry is a Scandinavian swirl of dough that looks worse than it tastes. It was either this or corn, so no complaints. A King Cake hybrid will match the doughy, sweet flavors well.

Alabama – Lane Cake

This state dessert is likely one you’ve never heard of: It’s essentially a frosted white sponge cake with bourbon soaked fruit and nuts between the three layers. Kinda iffy but decent. Best to pair this decadent treat with Birthday Cake Kush.

South Dakota – Frybread

Hats off to the Navajo people for creating a proto-donut from government rations while being forced from their homes. That said, I wouldn’t be too excited if someone handed me one right now. A sleepy indica like Sweet Dreams feels right for this pairing.

New Jersey – Northern Highbush Blueberry

I have no clue what separates the northern highbush from a typical blueberry and don’t believe the mystery warrants any sort of investigation. Pair a handful of these with an equally unimaginative puff of Blueberry Indica. 

North Carolina – Strawberry

The Tar Heel State has selected the best of the berries, not for its official fruit, but for its “official red berry,” which kinda feels like cheating. Eat some with Strawberry Amnesia so you can forget how greedy that was of them.  

Mississippi – Butter Cookie

These cookies are what you give as a housewarming gift when a wine bottle feels too personal. I’m not saying I haven’t chowed down on these once or twice, but it’s usually been as a last resort. There are better cookies out there, and the hybrid Girl Scout variety should treat you well while working through a tin of these.

Minnesota – Blueberry Muffin

The breakfast pastry that exists, in part, because it’s easily confused with its superior chocolate chip cousin, and the blueberry muffin is as inoffensive a dish as it gets. Let’s not rock the boat with the strain, either: Blueberry Kush it is.

Kentucky – Blackberry

As far as berries that you can just scoop right into your mouth go, blackberries are pretty great. Every now and then you’ll get that bitter one that tastes like a battery, but on the whole, a solid, snack-able fruit. Pair with Blackberry Kush, of course.

Indiana – Sugar Cream Pie

As great as this sounds, let’s just call a spade a spade and admit this is a junior varsity crème brûlée. Take some of the diabetes edge off with Remedy, or another appetite-suppressing strain.

Oregon – Pear

Thank God Rick Ross gave this delicious fruit some much-needed attention. People have been sleeping on this upgraded apple for far too long. Track down the rare Linsanity strain Rozzay made famous on IG and fully embrace the boss life.

Georgia – Grits

A southern staple with as many possible permutations as there are days in a year. That it’s not universally beloved is what’s keeping it from placing higher on the list. A strain with deep diesel notes like Tillamook Strawberry will bring out the savory elements of the grits.

Florida – Key Lime Pie

We get it. Key Lime Pie is a controversial dessert. You either love it or hate it. So let’s split the difference and call it decent and place Florida around the middle of the list. Of course, you have to pair the Key Lime Pie hybrid strain with its namesake.

New Mexico – Bizcochito

Most probably you haven’t tried these anise and cinnamon dusted sugar cookies, but trust that they pack a tasty punch, especially with a bowl or two of Straight A’s Haze deep. 

Utah – Jell-O

This is both an adorable and obvious pick for a state where large swaths of the population regard a can of Coke as a party drink. And though usually whatever, Jell-O is pretty tasty when in an “enhanced” state. Hit a bowl of Jelly Roll while jiggling a slab of this throwback treat down your gullet.

Maryland – Blue Crab

There’s a lot of work involved in getting these fuckers prepped, which keeps them from top tier spots, but when they’re finally good to go, that’s a taste you’ll be hard pressed to beat. Sour Diesel will keep you from getting too unfocused and losing a finger while getting the meat out. 

Illinois – Pumpkin Pie

It was a toss-up between this and the “state snack food,” popcorn, so we went with the option less likely to leave shell shards in your gums. Smoke some Milky Way to complement the sugar and spice of the pie.

Maine – Moxie

Maine decided to go ahead and dub an old-timey cola from the "that’s still around over a century later," primarily as a punchline soda, as the state’s official soft drink. This would be silly if the soda wasn’t delicious, but it is, so Maine’s coming out ahead of most with this dark horse. Cherry Kola is a bit on the nose, but you’ll enjoy it as a complement.

Louisiana – Beignet

If you’ve never had one of these fried dough fritters, sweet or savory, do yourself a favor and get thee to the closest bayou to try one. Find some The White to smoke with these if you’d like your pot to look like it was also dusted in powdered sugar.

Texas – Chile con Carne

Like its neighbor to the north, Texas got a little excited and stacked the deck with all sorts of delightful dishes. But whether it’s homemade from primo ingredients or from the 99 cent menu at Wendy’s, a hot cup of meaty chili goes a long way to satisfying stoney cravings. As you’ll already be there, toke a little MeatBreath while you eat.

Connecticut – Snickerdoodle

The state’s cookie is the snickerdoodle, a strong candidate for munchie snacking. Not too fancy. Not too plain. Some Sugar Cookie hybrid will match the taste perfectly.

Massachusetts – Boston Cream Pie

There’s an everyman quality to this faux-fancy dessert that is only surpassed by its tastiness. Rather than double down on chocolate or vanilla, mix things up with a fruity strain like Berry OG.

Iowa – S’mores

Who knew The Hawkeye State had such a stoner-friendly official snack? If you can find it, Chocolate Meringue would pair quite nicely with this campfire staple.

Vermont – Apple Pie

Unlike some prominent U.S. entities, the apple pie is unimpeachable. It’s one of the few American icons that doesn’t feel sullied by jingoism. Have a little Captain America OG while eating this and petting a bald eagle.

Oklahoma – Barbecued Pork

OK went and got a bit greedy, claiming a grip of choice dishes for its populace, but the standout is BBQ pork. And I’m gonna just go with the assumption that it is of the “pulled” variety. A savory indica like Querkle should treat you well as you gorge on the hog.

Virginia/Missouri – Ice Cream

Few things come close to the variety and deliciousness of good old-fashioned ice cream. And why not eat it while smoking its namesake strain while you’re at it?

California – Avocado

The avocado is already in the pantheon of great foods—and if you disagree you’re either a child or wrong—even without the Golden State giving it the official seal of approval. Why mess with perfection: Pair this with an Avocado CBD sativa.

Photo credits: Flickr/dotpolka and Flickr/hamblin

 

 

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