Dear Culturalist,
I am a woman in my late 20s in a relationship with a man I love, but I am one of those women who rarely, if ever, has an orgasm. Is there anything I can do?

Disclaimer: I guess anyone experiencing anything similar should talk to your healthcare professional to rule out any physical reasons for your orgasm woes. The lawyers around here seem to like the idea of me suggesting this. You are probably fine, but it’s good to rule things out. Just do not expect a doctor to overly care about how often you orgasm. They likely won’t. 

Let me start by admitting I did not do any research to prep for writing a response to your question, so these are just my personal and perhaps totally unfounded thoughts on the topic. I would like to think that all the orgasms I have had make me some kind of expert. It was not always easy for me so I have hope for you, too. It’s much more likely your relationship is more hopeless than your o-game, for the record.

In college, I read some infuriating stuff about orgasms that a likely coked-out Freud wrote, something about women being immature if they cannot have vaginal orgasms. After reading this Freudian shit, I became bound and determined to have a non-clitoral orgasm. I think it took me a year, but I figured it out, so don’t stop believin’. (Does Journey own that sentence? Where is that gaggle of lawyers when I need them?)

Anorgasmic imperative should have no place in your bedroom. Sex and sexuality can be super pleasurable without orgasms so unless the weight of pressure turns you on, just rocket it into space. Have fun instead, orgasms or no orgasms.

Still, you should read the rest of my column and see the pursuit of orgasms as an amusing adventure you wish to embark on. Just be happily determined instead of hell-bent and set up for feeling defeated or inadequate. 

Stay Hydrated

I hate drinking water. It’s so much work, but hydration is important for so many things. I don’t think orgasms are any exception. Plus, I think I have better orgasms if my bladder is fullish, which is likely not something I should tell the world, but I find caring about such things difficult. So I suggest you experiment with the pleasure of hydrating⎯fully and completely.

Keep Your Feet Warm

I am convinced keeping your feet warm is important. This is about comfort while climaxing. Is it easier for you to have an orgasm when you have just had a warm bath? If you answered “yes” or “unsure,” try wearing warm socks and wrapping up in a fuzzy blanket. Maybe the relaxation that comes from being toasty is all you need to be making a real o-face instead of that fake one I really hope you don’t put on just to feed your boyfriend’s ego.

Free Your Mind

If you don’t know how to be liberated, loose and focused at the same time, stop thinking about orgasms and figure this out instead. Perhaps weed can help you here. Experiment and see what varieties, product forms and consumption timing can help you get to the land of face-melting orgasms. I personally orgasm best when I have consumed all the weed in all the forms and feel like I am coming to the end of my buzz and into being a little burned out. 

Read Erotica

Sure, your body could be the source of all your problems, but it’s likely more in your head than anywhere else. This is as real of a barrier. It is something you need to overcome, and what works for me may or may not work for you, but reading erotica is a good way to figure out how to harness the sexual organ your brain most definitely is. Porno sites can do this but I think in a much shallower and sometimes horrifying way. I suggest sticking to no visuals, and just sexy words in the beginning.

Practice

When I say practice, I do not mean with your man. (Unless you have a people-watching-you-jerk-off fetish, then by all means.) What I mean is, until you can have orgasms easily on your own, do not shoot for them in the company of others. I really think orgasms are more about muscle tension and keeping your head in the game than any particular stimulation techniques. 

Until you can hump a pillow to climax, you are not ready to have one with your boyfriend. Of course, if you do not own a vibrator, buy one. I’m not sure if it’s possible to own too many vibrators, but I highly doubt it. Just spend what you can afford, and if you cannot afford even one, maybe you would orgasm easier if you got your financial situation in order. 

Try Lesbian Sex

Really, I would give this advice to anyone who writes to me about anything. I even think hetero couples should try having sex like lesbians. Throw all sexual scripts out the window! If being a mostly-lesbian has taught me anything, it is that this whole you are a top or bottom thing is real. If you don’t know what your favorite position is, or if you like to dominate or be dominated, wade deeper into the world of fucking and keep going till you can answer without hesitation, even if there’s a caveat or two, such as you liking to top from the bottom or to alternate based on the phase of the moon.

Do Not Get into Bed with Assholes

Unless fucking jerks is really, really your thing, I do not recommend sleeping with them. So, for example, if you are reading this and debating if your boyfriend is a jerk, or already know he is, you should probably break up with him and find your orgasm party elsewhere, even if it’s just with your collection of pillows and vibrators that you now own. I list this tip last as I dated dickheads for a very long time and appreciate giving them up is easier said than done. Just remember, I started having orgasms from sex when I stopped bringing numbskulls home.

In culmination, orgasms are great but not having one should never ruin any of your carnal embraces. Heavy petting can be great regardless of whether a climax is achieved, so lay back and enjoy yourself. Also, if all my suggestions fail you, learn how to dance. Then when you are comfortable dancing anywhere, anytime and you still cannot orgasm at the drop of a hat, holler back at me. I highly doubt you will need to, though.

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