Dear Culturalist,
My best friend is a major cannabis aficionado. What should I get her for Christmas?

“Major cannabis aficionado” could mean a lot of different things. Has she been growing dope for 20 years? Or does she just smoke weed every day? For the purpose of this writing, I will assume you simply mean your friend really loves weed. I like her already.

Maybe you buy her FORIA? I think cannabinoids and orgasms are a great gift. You can never have too many! Some friends might feel a bit awkward about it, I guess. Alternatively, you really cannot go wrong buying someone who adores pot just that. Meaning cannabis itself. Well, unless you buy bunk grass. Then you would be going totally wrong. Would be a real shit gift from a shit friend.

A pretty impressive gift would be if you spent years breeding a new stable variety that you name after her and then you give her 4.5 pounds of it. Er, unless that is illegal where you live or she’s simply someone who sweats profusely when she carries that much. Then maybe drop it to a half ounce.

If you do not think you know how to grow or choose good buds, get her a gift certificate for the hottest dispensary in the neighborhood. It solves the problem but does feel a bit like a jerksloth move, right? Too easy for a best friend. Gift-giving should melt one’s mind at least a little bit.

I think I could count as a woman who loves cannabis, and the presents I like getting are pot books and naked paintings of myself. Since I do not have insight into the nature of your friendship, maybe stick to the first suggestion.

What self-respecting cannabis fan does not love a weedy coffee table book? I would recommend two that are on my personal wishlist: How to Smoke Pot (Properly): A Highbrow Guide to Getting High and This Is A Pipe: The Evolution of the Glass Pipe and Its Artists.

That last book recommendation brings me to suggest buying her glass, and by glass I mean some borosilicate, not the soft stuff. Every stoner should appreciate glass art or risk getting kicked out of the weed lovers club. I appreciate, though, that carrying around a $50,000 glass smoking mask is not for the faint of heart. 

Also, that sticker price might not be appropriate for your relationship. Once a man offered to buy me a flight to Chicago on a first date, and I instantly assumed he was a serial killer. You should not scare new acquaintances or old friends by dropping too much cash on them. Also, even if they are fine with it, they will likely feel obligated to return the expensive favor. Guilt is a terrible gift.

Maybe something adorable and bit more low-key than a glass smoking mask, like a Sakibomb kitty dabber or something adorable from Renee Patula?

Still a bit on the pricey side, though. Renee’s propensity for tasty looking glass brings me to my next and cheaper recommendation, something everyone who smokes weed needs: snacks. You could curate a ridiculous treat basket yourself or sign your friend up for a snack subscription box for the winter months.

Personally, I tend to give my weed buddies edible gifts I made myself. Like one year I made gingerbread people with kief-infused coconut oil. It was the perfect gift because a lot of my friends ended up high for several days. One slept past their spot on a bus trip, and another missed work. Truly a gift they have never forgotten!

I feel so torn about the practice of gift-giving. It is part of our culture, and I love giving and getting gifts, but I also think consumerism sucks. I think there is a way to continue traditions without always feeding the capitalist pigs. A handmade card can go a long way, especially if paired with a joint and a planned activity.

At the end of the day, the best gift that friends can give each other is time. Time together. Time together doing drugs! So make time for your friend and have a wild, drug-fueled adventure together. That is what this season is really all about after all. 

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