Let’s face it, the end is near. To those of you who still have doubts, please refer to the United Nations’ terrifying climate change report. Like it or not, we’re currently barreling toward the apocalypse. You can reduce your carbon footprint and call your senators, but you should also prepare for the worst. For most people, that involves buying an emergency preparedness kit. But for hype beasts, that means embracing reflector tape, day-glo orange, safety goggles and a host of other hazmat-inspired fashions. Looking like a rescue worker in a post-apocalyptic wasteland has never been so aspirational. So invest in a tyvek jumpsuit, don your finest gas mask and brace yourself for the inevitable.
1. Helmut Lang Printed Cotton-Terry Hoodie: “L’Apocalypse Joyeuse” refers to a 1986 exhibition at Paris’s Centre Pompidou, which featured a then-unknown Helmut Lang.
2. SMOKEA Acrylic Gas Mask Bong: Close your blinds, or risk scaring the shit out of your neighbors.
3. Soylent Squared Chocolate Brownie: This 100-calorie snack is perfect in the event of an evacuation, or a painfully long conference call.
4. 032c COSMIC WORKSHOP “Destroyed” Cap: Don’t wait for the apocalypse to ravage your basics!
5. Stillwater Ripple Dissolvable THC: These single-use packets of THC + CBD powder can be added to just about anything.
6. Amiri Black ‘Smoke’ Tee: A classier alternative to all those cannabis-themed slogan tees from your youth.
7. Now Apocalypse Season 1: Gregg Araki’s first television series follows a group of over-sexed twenty-somethings as they navigate the fraught landscape of relationships, intimacy and alien invasions in modern-day Los Angeles.
8. Skyroam Portable WiFi + Powerbank: Few things are as anxiety-provoking as not having access to the wi-fi when you actually need it. This device creates a personal wireless hotspot anywhere in the world, with no SIM card changes or roaming fees.
9. Supreme Hand Axe: When fighting for survival in the wilderness, a heavily branded axe is always the best accessory.
10. Nalgene 32oz Wide Mouth Bottle: This classic water bottle never goes out of style and is available in virtually every color.
11. Uline Reflective Tape: Make your own off-white bootlegs with this classic reflective tape from the greatest store on earth: Uline.
12. The Earthquake Bag: Be fucking responsible and buy one of these portable survival kits. Edibles not included.