Despite its persistent illegality in some of America’s redder states, cannabis is no longer the boogie man it once was, and public sentiment about the plant has shifted drastically in recent years. A 2018 Pew Research study showed that 62 percent of Americans now favor legalization.
Taking note of the changing tides, many democratic 2020 presidential hopefuls have folded cannabis into their campaigns. On Joe Rogan’s podcast, Bernie Sanders announced a plan to legalize cannabis via executive order if elected. Andrew Yang, another proponent of legalization and cannabis conviction expungement, recently added a “Math. Money. Marijuana.” shirt to his campaign’s merchandise shop. And then there’s Kamala Harris, who infamously told the hosts of the popular morning radio program The Breakfast Club that she listened to Snoop and Tupac albums while smoking cannabis in college, years before either artist had publicly released a single track.
This sudden proliferation of pot policy in prospective presidential platforms begs an obvious question: What canna product best represents each of the remaining candidates? Considering it our patriotic duty to figure it out, we fired up 10 hours of “Hail to the Chief” on repeat and got to work.
Like the recently announced prospective CBD-infused Oreos, Bennet seems fine on paper, but we’re not really sure who asked for this.
With a campaign running purely on nostalgia and evoking past solidarity with blue collar folks, despite its central figure now living in a bubble of wealth and access—not to mention all the things that seem a bit cringey and problematic in hindsight—Biden is a well-worn VHS copy of Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke.
Bill de Blasio
New York City’s mayor had no shot at winning this thing so he dropped out a few weeks ago. For this reason, we’ll avoid coming down too hard on his platform and just compare him to the quintessential NYC cannabis experience: a clipped roach left in an ashtray on someone’s fire escape.
Anyone who’s seen this pic of Booker will agree that the guy is the personification of an egregiously large and ornate early-era vape rig.
You could easily forget Bullock is still in the race, just as you could easily forget about the crumbs currently sitting at the bottom of your grinder.
Sensible, studious Mayor Pete seems like he rarely, if ever, smokes, so let’s make his analogue this cannabis coffee table book that would add a bit of pop to any living room that’s been tastefully furnished with Crate & Barrel.
Julian seems like a decent dude with good intentions who won’t make it too far once primary voting starts, but will hopefully drive the overall conversation in positive directions while still in the game. He’s a humble one-hitter.
Running in the Democratic primary on a platform of cautious centrism and Republican compromise, Delaney’s core group of supporters seem to be coming from the right. He’s a tinner.
The first Hindu member of congress and openly pro-pot presidential candidate is best depicted as a chillum, which was invented by Hindu monks in India back in the 18th century.
With a hip campaign being run by a cadre of extremely online teens, Gravel’s candidacy is a bit of a troll, but also kind of slick, so he kind of resembles this equally self-aware weed cologne by Mister Green.
Harris’ poseur past is best represented by a circa 2013 pair of Huf pot leaf socks: the kind you’d see on an undercover cop walking around a music festival asking strangers if they’ve “seen [his] friend, Molly.”
Notorious for her intensity and scaring some staffers, Amy is a bit of a wildcard where you don’t really know what you’re getting, kind of like synthetic cannabinoids, “Spice” or “K2.”
As the lesser known mayor in the race, Messam’s platform is pretty generic, not really controversial, and hasn’t inspired much buzz. He’s a run-of-the-mill glass piece.
While his “bad boy” LARPing was cute when he was running for Senate against Ted Cruz, his low polling numbers seem to indicate that most primary voters have grown weary of Beto’s overcompensating antics by this point, so let’s say he’s one of those over-the-top glass bongs with eight chambers.
If you know anything about Tim Ryan, it’s that he’s running for president. That’s about all there is to say about the guy. Keeping the generality theme going for his cannabis comparison, let’s just say Ryan is a pot leaf and move on to the next one.
A no-nonsense working-class champion, consistent throughout the ages, Bernie’s quite clearly the hand-rolled joint of this race.
The guy’s a retired three-star Navy admiral with some remaining neoliberal leanings, so let’s give him a classic Popeye corn cob pipe that’s mostly used for tobacco.
The billionaire hedge fund manager’s recent efforts to buy his way onto the debate stage blew up his face, so Steyer’s candidacy is most like reams of worthless stock in Tradiv, the would-be “Amazon of the cannabis industry” that crashed and burned after a spectacular series of scandals.
A wonk to her core, but someone who doesn’t seem like much of a partaker, citing a desire to “be in control,” Warren would best be represented by an ironically cool simulacrum of a policy artifact from a bygone era: a modern tee with a vintage NORML logo printed on it.
A best-selling author with ties to Oprah who espouses neo-mystical affirmative bromides about love conquering hate and the power of positivity, honey, Marianne is the CannaWine bottle you’re bringing to the next book club night with the girls or Yoonique regional sales meeting.
As the race’s extremely online Silicon Valley bro, nothing captures Yang’s essence better than the Ease weed-delivery app. Their frequent promo emails offer free credit towards your next delivery that even mirror Yang’s trademark universal basic income proposal.