I’m not an internet troll, but sometimes I see dumb shit on Twitter and just have to clap back. The Drug Enforcement Administration’s (DEA) tweets in particular are a font of absurdity, and the Los Angeles office apparently got sick of my lip and blocked me on Twitter. 

Mea culpa, I probably deserved it. But so did the DEA.

Mall cops seem to know more about cannabis than the DEA, yet the agency thinks enforcing drug laws qualifies them to pull medical and scientific claims outta their ass. Take, for example, the agent who saw rabbits nibbling on cannabis leaves and declared them reefer junkies. 

“They got a taste for it,” said the DEA agent, who didn’t know eating raw cannabis leaves won’t get anyone addicted or even high. My taxes help pay his salary? Fuck me. 

The DEA’s Twitter patrol deleted my comments, but I recall enough to recreate some and make up a few new ones. Add these readymade responses to their feed if you want the DEA to block you, too.

DEA agents engaged in
hooker sex orgies and accepted cash, weapons and expensive gifts from cocaine cartels. You brag about a 180-month prison sentence for transporting cannabis, yet collaborating with cartels only netted minor suspensions (10 days or less) for the crooked agents.

AP: DEA agent Jose Irizarry “known for spending lavishly on luxury cars and Tiffany jewelry has been arrested on charges of conspiring to launder money with the same Colombian drug cartel he was supposed to be fighting.” More amazing work by #DEA!

Speaking of talking points, former DEA chief Chuck Rosenberg is now an MSNBC contributor, but the network calls him a former federal prosecutor rather than the head of a major government agency. The network must be embarrassed by the DEA association.

Military veteran and U.S. Congressman Ted Lieu: “#DEA should not be making decisions on medical marijuana. Doctors should. This is an example of government stupidity.”

“Your GPA needs to be 2.95 or higher to be considered” for a DEA job, while the average college GPA is 3.15. Your academic standards, like your science claims, are below average.

Excellent information from Oregonlive: “Judge rips DEA’s deception [in stealing cannabis stash] that got Portland warehouse manager kidnapped.” Said the judge to the DEA, “That’s really disturbing.”

Untrue propaganda undermines education. You were sued for pushing the widely debunked gateway drug theory and had to remove it from your official claims. You shouldn’t need a lawsuit to remove BS propaganda.

DEA special agent Matthew Fogg once asked why the agency avoids rich, white neighborhoods where drug use is higher. The response: “If we go out there and start messing with those folks, they know judges, they know lawyers, they know politicians. You start locking their kids up, somebody’s going to jerk our chain [and there goes your overtime].”

O.C. Register: “In a scathing decision, a federal court in California has ruled that the Drug Enforcement Administration’s interpretation of a recent medical marijuana bill ‘defies language and logic,’ ‘tortures the plain meaning of the statute’ and is ‘at odds with fundamental notions of the rule of law.'”

The 2012 DEA chief refused to say crack and heroin were more dangerous than cannabis, while the drug schedule you cite says crack and crystal meth are safer than cannabis. That’s motivation for young people who had positive cannabis experiences to slide over to crack, meth and heroin.

What you call “extremely dangerous” a DEA administrative law judge called “one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man” and demanded the DEA reclassify cannabis so doctors can prescribe it. You couldn’t refute the judge so you just ignored him.

You fought to keep hemp illegal claiming hemp plants “still provide an enormous quantity of psychoactive material.” If that’s true, Mitch McConnell is putting poison – #marijuana – on our streets. DEA + science go foot in mouth.

You complained about the media fact checking you in the DEA’s 2016 threat assessment. So, facts are a threat to the DEA?

Outstanding work!! The DEA: Four Decades of Impeding and Rejecting Science documents “a decades-long pattern of behavior that demonstrates the agency’s inability to exercise its responsibilities in a fair and impartial manner or to act in accord with the scientific evidence.”

A DEA survey asked law enforcement what drug concerns them most. Cannabis finished dead last at five percent — compared to 32 percent for meth — yet the report dedicated 22 pages to cannabis, 14 for meth and 18 for crack and cocaine.

A DEA supervisor apparently started a sexual relationship with a confidential informant that included sharing private DEA information, putting family/friends at risk, giving her taxpayer-funded money and lying about it. AG Barr’s response? Justice Department report: “Criminal prosecution was declined.”

Guess who admitted that state-level MMJ legalization may have minimized illegal interstate trafficking? You did! It’s buried in your 2021 Congressional Budget Submission, which suggests you only give legal cannabis love when asking for more taxpayer dollars.

You repeatedly say legalization increases cannabis use among young people. The CDC says it doesn’t. People should listen to the agency filled with science degrees and research experience, and that’s not the DEA.

Jesse Ventura: “Shoot first and ask questions later, because that’s how the DEA operates. When they break into a place for a big drug bust, they come in with SWAT teams. If you resist at all, you’re going to get shot. We show multiple examples in the book where the DEA broke into a house for a drug raid and killed people who maybe jumped up to defend themselves. Inside their own homes. They get shot and killed, there’s no trial, and no one gets charged with a crime.”

Speaking of taxes, a senior DEA official “wasted and misused hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxpayer funds and engaged in misconduct when he took actions to get his son and former colleagues contractor positions” and made “false entries about alcohol counseling” on a national security form.

The government spent taxpayer dollars to create synthetic marijuana in hopes of replicating the medical benefits, and it resulted in a string of deaths that real cannabis would never cause. The creator of synthetic weed now supports full cannabis legalization.

The above is someone else’s real response to the same tweet, yet I’m the one who gets blocked.

Just get kids to wear a DEA Dance Team t-shirt from your gift shop, and they won’t have any friends to go out with after 10 p.m.

In addition to the dance team shirts (pictured above), the gift shop sells “Get Off the Pot” bumper stickers, an American flag spatula and unintentionally ironic Elvis/Nixon shot glasses for getting wasted drunk to celebrate a weed bust.

The Colombian cartels started with cannabis during the Nixon days, and the distribution network they built allowed them to flood our streets quickly with cocaine. In other words, your war against cannabis helped build the network that empowered the crack epidemic.

Hooch, young girls, bush and Juan Valdez are all cannabis terms according to the DEA’s list of stoner slang. One of us is clearly out of touch because I’ve never heard anyone say they’re gonna smoke a “shrimp,” dab “owls” or blaze a bowl of “popcorn.”

“It is possible that the current law, though rational once, is now heading towards irrationality; it may even conceivably be that it has gotten there already,” said one of the federal judges who refused to dismiss a lawsuit against the DEA challenging its Schedule I (not “1”) classification of cannabis.

This 2019 study says a dispensary “leads to a reduction of 17 crimes per month per 10,000 residents” in its neighborhood, while this 2017 study found that single-family homes near dispensaries increased “in value by approximately 8.4% relative to houses that are located slightly farther [away].”

Here’s a tip: Reports suggest the DEA lied about several unnecessary drug war deaths that took place at their hands in Honduras in 2012. That’s a lot of lives ruined by DEA trigger fingers.

The DOJ Inspector General says you cost American lives by being “slow to respond to the significant increase in the use and diversion of opioids since 2000” and failing to use “available resources, including its data systems and strongest administrative enforcement tools, to detect and regulate diversion effectively.”

When you block legal cannabis sales, you keep it on the black market and in the hands of gangs. That is why the San Diego Union-Tribune describes the DEA as the street drug dealer’s best friend. Drop the fight against legal cannabis and you can spend less on rewards and billboards.

Cannabis prohibition is an affront to the Declaration of Independence. Michigan Supreme Court judge T.G. Kavanagh: “Our [prohibition] statute violates the Federal and State Constitutions in that it is an impermissible intrusion on the fundamental rights to liberty and the pursuit of happiness and… the right to possess and use private property.”

That’s kind of like the DEA going after Native Americans for growing hemp on sovereign lands in 2015. The DEA-led bulldozers destroyed 30,000 plants with agents reportedly overseeing the demolition in tactical gear and holding assault rifles.

I don’t know what it means that “agents recovered 1,700# of #marijuananews” or if you even know how hashtags work, but here’s some other news: Nearly 70 percent of Californians say cannabis legalization has been good for the state. Said the poll’s director, “There hasn’t been any real buyer’s remorse about the initiative. If anything, support has gone up.”

DEA vet Finn Selander says, “Prohibition doesn’t keep marijuana off our streets or decrease use. And it certainly doesn’t keep marijuana out of the hands of teens. But prohibition does result in billions of dollars in profits flowing to drug cartels. This drug money fuels lavish lifestyles among drug lords and deadly violence among rival cartels aiming to protect smuggling territory and street corners.”

Here’s a historic headline for you: “Federal Judge Asks DEA to Explain Why All 179 of its Stash House Sting Targets Are Minorities.” African-Americans made up 18 percent of the district and nearly 80 percent of the defendants. 

Bonus: Who actually hits LIKE on all these DEA tweets? 

Most of the LIKES come from other DEA offices, but much of the rest comes from epic Twitter profiles that write stuff like “Satan isn’t as evil as the current Democrat party! #voteredoramericaisdead” and “The Enemy of President Trump is my enemy! WWG1WGA. Pro Life. NRA 4 life. Christian.” The best DEA fan content, however, comes in the form of images and memes, and our fave below pretty much says it all. 

Maybe your savior could start with the coronavirus?

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