The Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) surprised drug-using and square communities alike recently when the agency released a lengthy glossary of slang terms for illicit drugs as part of an unclassified intelligence report published in May 2017. Though expected suspects like “molly,” “yayo” and “ganja” made the list, a few out-there terms were also included. As neither I nor anyone I know is familiar with the following jargon, I’m forced to imagine the sort of character that drops such hip lingo rather than just saying “coke” like an adult.

Whiffle Dust – Amphetamine

A Florida man, of course. This guy has been battling a decade or so of on-again-off-again speed addiction. He’s got a kid, and, despite the monkey on his back, he’s really making an effort to get involved in the child’s life before it’s too late. He shows up to the kid’s sporting events late, cheers a little too loud and gives ‘em a big hug after the game before scampering off back into the night to meet up with the boys and get into the usual destructive pattern.

Joy Powder – Cocaine

A history nerd and a bit of a recluse, this guy’s socially awkward but not at full-on neckbeard levels of detestability. On one of the rare occurrences where he was invited to an honest-to-goodness party, the stars aligned and some generous reveler offered him a bump. For whatever reason, he went along with it and finessed the dealer’s number. Now buying a gram a week (he can afford it), he uses the coke as both social lubricant and a lure for women he’d like to conscribe into a conversation at the club. His idiosyncrasies can’t help but poke through, so he’s taken on the affectation of referring to the blow as “joy powder,” often with “the ol’” as a prefix.

Pizza – LSD

She grafted quirk and “randomness” onto her personality in high school and discovering hallucinogens in college only made her more insufferable. She uses a rotating cast of drug slang words under the guise of “you can never be too careful,” but nobody’s fooled. You can just call it acid, Claire. We’re at Burning Man. Nobody is going to “bust” you.

Karachi – Heroin

This guy’s a homeless Gulf War vet who’s stuck on cheap smack while simultaneously succumbing to schizophrenia. Most of what he says is word salad, and the corner boys he buys from are about to cut him off before he becomes too much of a wildcard liability. His family hasn’t stopped looking for him since he disappeared in ’08.

God’s Medicine – Opium

Erlich Bachman from Silicon Valley.

Donna Juana – Marijuana

This aging single woman would never smoke cannabis herself, but she wants to let her now-adult children know she’s hip and accepting of the changing times and this brave new world where pot smokers aren’t second-class citizens. After mishearing something on a recent episode of Ellen, she drops “donna juana” with a knowing look at the dinner table on a weekend when the kids visit and check up on her. They’re mortified, of course, and ask her to never say anything like that in the future.

Vitamin E – MDMA

This guy, closing in on 50, buys tickets to every rave and festival, big or small, with no other intention but to prey on whatever scantily clad young girl he can find separated from her friends. He plies with the pills he’s brought just for this reason (keeping a clear head himself, of course). Everytime, without fail, his quarry senses her impending doom, even through the zonked-out state, and disappears into a crowd, leaving our guy quietly aroused and seething. He then goes home to jerk off and complain about women on Reddit.

Ercs – Percocet

This dude’s one of the lower-ranking members in Future’s entourage and was pushing hard for this term to make it into a song verse but eventually got told by the more senior entourage members to stay in his lane and not make suggestions when it comes to the music.

Pizza Topping – Mushrooms

Claire’s back on her bullshit.

Tupperware – Methamphetamine

This guy was such a Breaking Bad fan that he thought he’d take a crack at making meth despite having no affinity for chemistry. More concerned with Heisenberg-ing himself than actually figuring out how to make product, this eager beaver started asking local dealers for “that tupperware” in the hopes buzz would generate for the drug he’d yet to concoct. After a few weeks of doing this, and no uptick in his Google Trends searches, he abandoned the entire dream, throwing away his porkpie hat before even learning what an accelerant is.

Photo credit: HBO.

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