The Culturalist

Dear Culturalist: Does My Would-Be Romeo Roll?

By Onya Ganja

Dear Culturalist,
How can I tell if the guy I’m crushing on is a stoner too?


Dear Crushing Stoner Seeks Stoner,
What are you, a cop? Hmm. If you are not a law enforcement officer, why do you care? Being comfortable around unelevated people is a useful skill and makes the need for similar session patterns almost nonexistent. Variety is the spice of life, so why not dabble in dating a person who doesn’t enjoy cannabis like you do! I know, it’s wild to think there are people who don’t, but just think—some people don’t like ice cream. Not even vegan ice cream. Mind blown, eh?  

Throw caution to the wind and embrace your crushes as they are. Your current position is one of my favorite places to be—crushing on someone who seems perfect because you don’t know them well enough. Enjoy it to the fullest! I would even highly recommend you don’t find out if they like you or cannabis sativa. Just let them be an elusively perfect sex panther at the edge of your life and fall asleep thinking about holding their hand.

In all honesty, dating non-stoners might not work if you are committed to a wake-n-bake lifestyle, but it could be pretty darn swell if you always date broke people and never learned to share your stash. The only potential downside I see to dating a toke-not is if your dope-free friend makes judgments about your lifestyle choices. Not cool. Let’s define the word stoner for the purpose of this article. Those who really like cannabis? That’s the only defining feature of a stoner in my opinion. No negative connotation. If someone tries to stigmatize you for loving cannabis, say “Hah” and smile. Awkwardly, for a long time.

There are people all over the cannabis-enjoying spectrum. Really, you just have to date someone who isn’t like my mom—someone who won’t look over their glasses with judge-y eyes when they know you’ve had a nice session before dinner. On another note, while I don’t necessarily suggest that you restrict your dating pool to fellow bong-toting cannabis cuties, it would be pretty cool if stoners procreated en masse and the world became populated with friendly pot-fiends. Being a stoner is genetic, right? On the paternal side I assume based on experience.

Are you at work having to look like a person who does not love THC-laced brownies? Or unable to sit close to your crush at school? I’ve found the following trick to be useful and have even used it at the grocery store and on the train. I take a token item out of my bag (papers work well for this) and I either pretend I’m looking for something in my bag and quickly set them on top of it or I clumsily drop them on the ground and walk away. If the object of your affection instantly recognizes rolling papers even from the corner of his eye and he’s into you, he will proceed to say something like, “You dab?!”

If the person you are crushing on is at school, I think you should just go up and smell him very deeply. If you want to be less creepy, you could wear a token stoner item, I guess. If you don’t feel comfortable wearing a Bob Marley t-shirt and maybe you shouldn’t, you could wear a glass pendant or something more subtle. It has to be a known identifier, though.

I also often doodle pot leafs while sitting next to someone alluring. It is such a lazy and amazing way to hit on someone. If they are into you and smoke weed, they will break the ice with comments about your artistic ability. Now if you end up drawing cannabis on your napkin next to a cop, you could say it was a Japanese maple leaf and then proceed to flirt with him. I have this strange impulse to hit on every police officer I meet. I mean, like even if they aren’t trying to give me a speeding ticket.

Reflecting on my response, I guess my answer is really more about how to pick up a stoner than how to tell if someone is a stoner, but that is really what you wanted to know anyways, isn’t it?

Maybe next time I will tell you how to find the person at the party with the best weed. (Hint: refer to the beginning of the last paragraph, repeat with everyone there.)

From newbies to OGs, most people have some type of question involving the cannabis lifestyle. Trained in everything from sociology and etiquette to grows and glassmaking, the Culturalist is ready to help. Email your questions to whatsgood@prohbtd.com.

 

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