The Culturalist

Dear Culturalist: Don’t Be Scared of the Big, Bad Brownie

By Onya Ganja

Dear Culturalist: Don’t Be Scared of the Big, Bad Brownie

Dear Culturalist,
My wife enjoys smoking, but she is scared to eat edibles. Any recommendations?

Let me first state, to everyone reading this, that one should never get in the habit of writing to a feminist for tips on manipulating his (or her) wife. Just a general tip. Not suggesting this is what the man with a wife unwilling to eat edibles was doing when he wrote to me. I’ll assume his wife asked him to help her “get over” her fear of edibles—this is what we call giving someone the benefit of the doubt. I will now tell you all about how to support a spouse terrified of eating cannabis in making the decision that may (or may not) be right for them! I have only one caveat; you can’t apply my tips to getting wives to put anything but medicated munchies into their mouths.

I know a lot of people who are scared of edibles. Some of their reasons are mildly valid, some are totally ridiculous. Take the first step and read about eating cannabis to see if a fear of edibles is realistic. Check out PRØHBTD’s Intro to Edibles video and article; Google search all your worst fears. “Can you die from eating cannabis?” I’ve totally Googled that in reaction to the behavior of someone who just ate hash brownies for the first time. (Their behavior was yelling at me to check Google if their death might be imminent.) The answer is, “No, you cannot die from eating cannabis,” which is a better rap than peanuts have! I don’t even need to cite that common-knowledge fact.

If you researched this topic thoroughly, you surely found reports of humans feeling hella ill after eating cannabis-infused treats. The trick with the spins is to lay on your back, don’t move a muscle, think of your happy place and remain still until the room stops moving. Where people go wrong is, well, they move. Like I said, lay perfectly still. Now… cannabis didn’t teach me this, drinking too much alcohol did! That is what I don’t get about people and their fear of edibles. Eat too much weed, you get sick at worst; drink too much alcohol and, well… you shit your pants and die. Here I am left asking, why do I know more people scared of edibles than alcohol?

So, you’ve assessed the subject’s (your wife’s) fear and busted any myths that may have been lurking in her head. Now all you have to do is find (or make) the most delicious edibles ever created and sit down and eat them in front of her. Nonchalantly. It’s science. If you feel you can pull it off, say something mid-munch-out like, “Sorry, I would offer you some, but there is cannabis in them.” You have to be like Shia LaBeouf-confident in your acting abilities at this key step, or you will fail. Your wife can know you are up to something but can have no proof of it. If your wife does not eat the delicious edibles on the first night, she will on the second when she sees you survived. Which you will.

Foiled this plan? Alternatively, you could use the ultimate classic to sway your wife—reverse psychology. Think the opposite of peer pressure and less Dr. Phil, more Village of The Damned. Like a cat, your wife can read your mind. Truly convince yourself you don’t want your wife to eat edibles. When you really don’t want her to, she will eat the edibles to spite you. Surely activities that invoke spitefulness in a marriage must be healthy, right?

If you’ve already tried both of my suggestions and failed, you have no one to blame but yourself. Also, who cares if your better-half doesn’t swallow cannabis? There is always vaporization or bubble baths or sublingual sprays. Edibles are not for everyone. Maybe next week your wife will write me to see how she can get you to use canna-suppositories!

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